Volume 90, Issue 85

Thursday, March 06, 1997

pulp


ENTERTAINMENT
 

Column: It's OK to take a shit

By Carey Weinberg
Gazette Staff

And you thought people stopped leaving their bum pumpkins in toilets in high school. How silly of you. That gag's not only an oldie but good enough to continue at a university level.

Herein lies the problem with long days on campus – the washrooms (those still untouched by financial restraints) can be frightening. There's those days on campus where you've been here for 10 hours and the inevitable, proverbial cigar at the lips can no longer wait for the comforts of the home water closet.

I've compiled this list for those of you who need to do what you swore that you'd never do: do that doo-doo that you do so well.

Due to the nature of this article, parental discretion is advised. This list is for emergencies only:

The anal retentive guide to public washroom use.
1. First and foremost, find a secluded bathroom; just because you're forced into this situation doesn't mean you're looking to perform for a large audience.
2. Wait for occupants to vacate; if noises emanate from you, at least you'll be faceless.
3. If you plan ahead, take toilet paper (a.k.a. 'shit-tickets') from home as the cheap stuff is like sand paper for your heiny.
4. Place the cheap toilet paper in the toilet as splash guard.
5. Place folded strips of paper along the seat (if any skin touches any surface you may die, or at least you'll want to – you are anal retentive remember?)
6. For the athletic and/or talented public washroom goer I suggest the "levitation method" whereby you hover over the toilet without touching the seat.
7. For the extremely anal retentive there is another method by which to maneuver when your turtle head is popping out. Squat above the toilet by standing on the seat. The tricky part of this method is leaping off the seat to avoid the splash. (Note: this method is for the dexterous pooper only.)
8. Wipe accordingly. For God's sake people – wrap your hand in paper before you flush, do not, I repeat, do not touch the flusher with your bare hands.
9. Repeat steps 1 through 8 on really bad days.

Remember to always use this as a last resort. In no way do I advocate casual public washroom use.


To Contact The Entertainment Department: gazent@julian.uwo.ca

Copyright The Gazette 1997