This is our year!
Here comes that dirty magazine.
Yes, it is that time of year when jolly old St. Maclean's decides to toy around with Canadian schoolchildren who want a peek at which post-secondary institutions have been naughty and which have been nice. And as much as the University of Western Ontario gets scrooged by the annual rating, there is still much anticipation to see if this year was better than last.
For Western, the arrival of Maclean's has been more like reading a university eulogy. Last year, Western placed sixth out of 13 schools and fifth out of the six Ontario universities in the doctoral category. So, with visions of sugarplums and more first-year students dancing around campus, we have predicted how Western will be rated differently than last year's frosty figures:
1. Western will be on top of the "Most bunk-beds for first-year students" section.
2. The "Most Tim Horton's per square mile" category should be a sweet and creamy victory.
3. Dean Larry Tapp at the Richard Ivey School of Business will help Western win the "Office that looks most like a hotel lobby" category for the first time.
4. Western students will rank very poorly for their knowledge of satire. Get it?
5. The "Best rendition of the theme from COACH" category will once again feature Western's marching band and their arch rival: the grade six recorder and kazoo class from St. Mark's Elementary School. This one will be close.
6. The Western law school is going to be really angry when it doesn't even get ranked on the survey. But don't sue, this one's not about you.
7. Top marks in the "indecent exposure" category go to J.W. Little Stadium's visiting streaker, who also makes the grade for stomach-turning pranks.
8. Always finishing first in the "Whining about the Maclean's survey" category has to make Western one of the early favourites for this year's throne.
9. Western will walk away with the "Poorest parking possibilities" category, ranking first, but only just ahead of Waterloo ironically the location of the nearest spot.
Of course, the biggest difference of all will be that nobody in Canada will even see the Maclean's university rankings, since Canada Post will never deliver them.