Volume 91, Issue 47

Thursday, November 20, 1997

stars and strife


Psycho alliance

With all of the recent reactionary demonstrations from strikes to protests to debates over political correctness, it seems almost vogue to get angry these days. Feisty Canadians are all over the place! And this is certainly not a bad thing. In a democratic society, what other way does the general public have to express their discontent?

Being the curator of great news, The Gazette thought it might contact its personal astrologer to find out who the next ones to bitch will be. Marzipan Tang tells us the moon is in Uranus this week and that spells trouble. Here are her top five predictions for the upcoming week:

1) London Mayor Dianne Haskett is about to stage a walkout. Since she has re-taken her position in office for a week now, the stress has gotten to her and she feels the need to exercise her right to remain silent. However, a quick trip to Port Stanley will do wonders for her planetary re-alignment.

2) Marzipan suggests there will be a great uprising of Western university students protesting the prevalence of racism, homophobia and bigotry. Due to an eclipse over the planets of satire and humour, these people will be outraged at how their fellow students can be so politically incorrect.

3)The Western Young Reformers club will stage a protest at today's Town Hall meeting with the University Students' Council. Marzipan predicts there will be unprecedented moments of wrath as Ray Novak will attack Ryan Parks and the Education Party of Canada. The only chance for reprieve will be the trusty USC hand symbol to put these rebels in a trance.

4) Every single member of Western women's athletics will converge on The Gazette office attacking the defenseless sports editors and charging the threesome with sexist, biased coverage. Marzipan had such a strong feeling about this one he could actually envision the enraged women shoving a football down John Intini's throat after dressing him in an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka-dot bikini.

5)Jolly Old Saint Nick isn't feeling so jolly these days. After voting to unionize, his elves and reindeer have tried to force negotiations for a better contract with Santa and are refusing to make toys for girls and boys unless Santa shares his milk and cookies. Marzipan's telepathic powers indicate Mrs. Claus is not to thrilled with the situation either and unless the moon moves into the seventh sun, she will stage her own lockout.

To Contact The Editorial Department: gazed@julian.uwo.ca

Copyright The Gazette 1997