Volume 91, Issue 28

Friday, October 17, 1997

pigskin pummel


Cliff uncovers kinky questions

Cliff's mailbag is a weekly column which attempts to answer the myriad of questions inquiring Western students are going out of their minds trying to figure out. From Western questions, to science questions, to inane trivial nonsense – intrepid Cliff will ferret out the answer...or DIE TRYING!!! Send questions to UCC, Room 263 c/o Cliff or email gaznews@julian.uwo.ca

Last week, Cliff attempted to ask Rudolph Guiliani, mayor of New York, for the secret behind the city's befuddling nickname – the Big Apple. Rudy would not talk to Cliff but his press secretary (known only as Angela) promised to fax some info. Cliff's way. She sent nothing!

Not one lousy scrap of information. Just because she happens to live in the naked city doesn't mean she can treat Cliffy like some yokel. "Angela" – if that is your real name, you have just made a dangerous enemy. You are top of Cliff's hate list. The very top!

Charles Anthony, however, is on Cliff's happy list. Charles emailed the following answer to Derek Mclachlin's puzzling stumper:

"Years ago, touring jazz musicians would call the towns in which they had an upcoming gig – an "apple." New York City soon became a big jazz centre and thus became known as The Big Apple." Thanks Charles!

At 2:37 a.m. Friday, Oct. 10, Cliff received the following puzzling message from Helen Luu:

Why do men have my nipples?

For once, Cliff was stumped. He did not know why men would have Helen's nipples. Cliff called Helen to find out who exactly had her nipples so he could call these fellows and ask them why they had them, what were they doing with them and would they give them back.

Helen told Cliff the addition of the word "my" was accidental (perhaps due to the late hour in which it was written). She assured me no men are in possession of her nipples. She would like to know why men have nipples of their own.

With this new question in hand, Cliff contacted Anthropology professor Christine White who said, "they're mammals. Male dogs have nipples, female dogs have nipples. Male pigs have nipples, female pigs have nipples. All male mammals have nipples."


So far only 11 people have responded to the toilet seat survey. Seven say up! And four say put 'em down! Respond to the survey and let the world know your preference. The sheet is right outside Rm 263 UCC or you can phone in your response at 661-3580.

To Contact The News Department: gaznews@julian.uwo.ca

Copyright The Gazette 1997