For all alumni who are back to visit your Alma Mater for Homecoming for the first time, welcome! Your first trip back to Western may be stressful and confusing, but not to worry. Just like in first year when you were handed your frosh kit, The Gazette would like to present a very special Alumni Frosh Kit filled with plenty of cool stuff to help you catch up on all the latest news.
First, instead of a bag, the Alumni Frosh Kit is kept in an empty beer cooler, to counter the recent trend to remove drinking from O-Week and any type of alcohol promotion on campus.
Inside the cooler you will find (depending on your age) the Over 40 and Feelin' Foxy T-Shirt, along with the 'My Children and My Money are Paying Off OSAP' hat.
For any Homecoming visitors with children, there is a cute and cuddly stuffed J.W. horse toy compliments of the Richard Ivey School of Business, who eagerly sought toy donations to give to their poor alumni children. Also, don't forget to bring home the uncensored Casualteez notebook for children, with plenty of risqué photographs like the one that appeared in the 1997-98 Westernizer depicting a model-esque teacher (cleavage included) teaching young children about birds (no bees).
There are also a number of free coupons in the kit, including one for complimentary entrance to all pubs on and off-campus. Unfortunately, because of recent confusion about whether or not alcohol-related advertising and promotion is prohibited in residences, there will be no locations or dates provided on the ticket.
From the kind people at Western's Parking Services, a complimentary use of Western's new electronic parking pass. The new alumni "grey" pass can be used in the nearest parking lot with an available spot, just outside of Guelph.
The "I am Canadian" apathetic rally board game, with collectable Jacques Parizeau game pieces, is sure to be a hit. The idea sprung when a peaceful and over-hyped gathering of nationalists attempted to voice their patriotism at the same time the separatist speaker visited Western.
Finally, there is the free subscription to Maclean's magazine for all graduates of Western's law school. Attached to the order form are a number of surveys that normally are used to make Western look bad in the annual university report-card edition. The latest dismal showing was a 16th out of 16 finish for the quality of teachers at Western's law school, but only 30 per cent of voters chose to respond to the thing anyway.
The last thing you will need in your alumni kit is a map of Western's campus. This way, when students come and ask you what is going on this weekend, you will be able to guide them through. After all, alumni appear to know more about what is happening on campus around Homecoming time than the students do.