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Volume 91, Issue 11
Tuesday, September 16, 1997
Silverstone and the need to shed pounds
"I SHOULD HAVE STUCK WITH BATGIRL." Poor little rich girl, Alicia Silverstone, figures that getting herself kidnapped will get her some much-needed attention. Ahh!
Post-coital conversation as per Alicia Silverstone in Excess Baggage:
"Do you like my tummy?... Do you like my laugh?... I know you like my car!" Sound stupid? You betcha. This movie sucked.
If it wasn't for the mood music and tired plot, we would have had narry-a-clue as to what the actors were trying to convey. The script was a series of non-sequitors intermingled with Alicia's lip-gloss-laden pouts. We had hoped that the high-profile cast would divinely intervene and repair this cinematic disaster; alas, our hopes were quashed as talent after talent perished in the vortex that was this film.
Alicia Silverstone a.k.a. Emily T. Hope: This poor little rich girl only wants to loved by her daddy. But he's too busy, so she burns down her school library and kidnaps herself to get his attention. What a bad-ass. Her tough-girl styles are ripped-off the Aerosmith videos she starred in. Unfortunately, Steven Tyler was unavailable to drown-out Alicia's incessant whining through the whole movie. This film is proof that she was type-cast in Clueless as the useless ditz. We also hold her personally responsible for Excess Baggage simply because her company produced it.
Benicio Del Toro a.k.a. Vincent Roche: Poor Vinnie. All he ever wanted to do was open karaoke bars in Brazil. In the meantime he's making a career out of grand theft auto. His nightmare begins when he steals Emily's BMW and finds her in the trunk.
We had such high hopes for Benny. He's a graduate of the Stella Adler Conservatory as well as the Circle in the Square Theatre School in New York; he worked alongside Bobby DeNiro in The Fan; and who can forget his Independent Spirit Award-winning performance in the Usual Suspects? He had no lines to work with in this movie, and those that he had, we couldn't hear properly because of his slurred speech. We're convinced he was on heavy drugs while filming this to numb the pain of what must have been an excruciating experience for such a gifted actor. We couldn't figure out how the hell he got involved with this fiasco. We really, really, really hope Del Toro made a lot o' loot from this flick, 'cause he ain't getting any classy roles anytime soon after this.
Christopher Walken a.k.a. "Uncle" Ray Perkins: Sporting a pimp-coat and an auburn helmet-head, this man is paid millions of bucks by Emily's father to keep an eye on her. His appearances provide pleasant intermissions among everyone else's ranting, but he doesn't do anything new. So forget about him.
Harry Connick, Jr. a.k.a. Kistler: When he's not dining with busty ladies, Kistler sells Vinnie's stolen cars to rich Mafioso's. Clad in seedy, polyester ensembles, Kistler's sole objective was to talk louder than anyone else in the scene.
Harry should have taken some of Benny's drugs and chilled out. Instead, he put far too much effort into a film that required only two-dimensions per actor. Ever since his soundtrack for When Harry Met Sally, Connick's just gotten more embarrassing.
Do not see this movie. We ran out as soon as the credits started rolling. See what we do for you?
Neeta Das and Wendy Tsau
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Copyright © The Gazette 1997