Volume 92, Issue 53

Tuesday, December 8, 1998

wannabe


NEWS
 

'Twas the night before grovelling



'Twas the night before finals, when all through the rez,

Not a student was sleeping, not even a prez;

The texts were all highlighted by previous owners with care,

In hopes that straight "A" soon would be there;

The students were nestled all snug at their desks,

While visions of appeals danced in their heads.



As the Christmas exam period rears its ugly face once again, students are forced to spend countless hours pondering how to butter up their professors in anticipation of the January appeal ritual.

The key to "wining" an appeal is to get started before the marks are posted, so here is faculty by faculty guide to which wine to leave on a prof's desk during that final seminar.

Political Science – Neither red nor white is politically correct. Be conservative and go with a nice blush.

Economics – Demand and supply should guide your choice. Be sure to find a wine with a nice equilibrium of sugar, acid and alcohol.

History – Anything from the vintages section should help erase past failures.

Psychology – The alcohol in a strong southern Italian red will result in a favourable effect on the psyche when grading.

Sociology – Demographic transitions lead to a selection from a New World wine region.

Geography – Nothing is more earthy than a good single malt scotch.

Chemistry – The chemical reaction which occurs during carbonic maceration makes Boujolais Nouveau an interesting study for any chemist.

Biology – It will be a while before they clone the perfect wine and a bottle of Vintage Port should still be drinkable for the celebration.

Physics and Astronomy – A bottle of ice wine is often referred to as the nectar of the heavens.

Mathematics – A crisp, fruity chardonnay will derive a good grade.

Computer Science – Drinking a bottle yourself should give you the courage to hack your way into your prof's records and take care of the grade.

Languages – Match the language with the wine region and you can chatter your way to whatever grade you want.

Visual Arts – Chateau Mouton-Rothschild features a new visually appealing label every year.

Engineering – Build a sturdy bridge to better grades with a powerful red from California.

Business – If you can afford the tuition to play with the big boys, you should be able to shell out for a first-growth Bordeaux red.

Music – The sound of a champagne cork popping is music to anyone's ears.

Medicine and Dentistry – A cool climate pinot noir has the highest level of reservatrol, making it the healthiest wine in the world.

Law – With some of the strictest wine laws in the world, an Ontario VQA selection should pass on any lawyer's bar.

Kinesiology – Big and strong make Australian wines a simple choice.


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Copyright The Gazette 1998