Volume 92, Issue 25

Tuesday, October 20, 1998

coughing up debt


Alternative medicine

Friday's decision to alter the type of drugs offered by the health plan appears to be one made more for financial reasons than to provide better service for students. Keeping that in mind, the value of the $91.99 paid by undergraduate students seems to have taken a Canadian dollar-type hit.

With the cost of something as expensive as a health plan always a factor, maybe the University Students' Council and the Student Benefits Trust Administrators should try other, more cost-effective techniques for curing what ails students. Here's a list of cheap and easy remedies to cure some common health problems found around campus.

I Can't Believe it's Not Penicillin – Made out of a thrifty mixture of pinecones and tree bark, the unsuspecting student with strep throat will have no idea they're not taking the real drug.

Liquid Plumber – Why pour all that money into buying Metamucil and Ex-lax when this can be bought in bulk and at a much lower per unit cost? Besides, as soon as one takes a small dose of this stuff, they'll be in too much of a hurry to argue.

A quick punch in the face – There's no need to put a patient's leg in a cast on account it's broken. A simple blow to the head will redirect the pain and make them forget all about that small leg thing.

Nonalcoholic beer – A simple substitute for birth control drugs, no explanation necessary.

Tweezers, a hot needle and sandpaper – A quick drugstore fix to the problem of a lack of acne medication. You might want to have a box of Kleenex handy, just in case things get bloody.

Ruler and duct tape – When this simple, easy to-use kit is available at any Canadian Tire for as much as a meal at McDonald's, who needs Viagra?

A simple gasoline bath – Any smoker is going to think twice about sparking one up when there's the possibility of becoming a human fireball. Replacing smoking cessation products, this wonder-solution to the world's most popular bad habit only costs a couple bucks extra on the average tank of gas.

To Contact The Editorial Department: gazette.editor@julian.uwo.ca

Copyright The Gazette 1998