By Brendan Howe
Welcome to We$tern. Please empty your wallets, max out your credit cards and sign over your OSAP cheques at the gates please.
Things costing a little more than you budgeted for? Pissed off about it? Go straight to the top. Call Paul Davenport. He's the president of this fine institute of higher spending, err... learning. After you've paid the 50 bucks for Bell to flip that switch and connect your phone, all you have to do is call 661-3106. Tell good 'ol Dr. D. what you really think of the price of your education. Or if that doesn't do it for you, send him an email at firstname.lastname@example.org. Sources say he loves Spam.
If something unexpected happens and Paul doesn't quite get back to you or you don't like his answer, don't put up with that shit and just give up. Go higher, reach for the sky phone Jean Chrétien. Tell him what you think about the sorry state of funding for post secondary education these days. His office number is (613) 992-4211, long distance charges may apply, must be 18, for entertainment purposes only.
If you get a response, jump for joy. If you don't, go for a beer at The Spoke and either way you'll be happy. Better yet, save the money for long distance and spend it on beer. Maybe you'll find your soul mate, then you can bitch to them. Then after you've broken up, call good 'ol Chrétien again and tell him he's ruined your life. Return to The Spoke. Repeat process continually until you've spent $16,000 for a piece of paper and you can call yourself a university graduate.
If national politics isn't quite your thing, go local. Complain about construction. Call our illustrious London Mayor Dianne Haskett and ask why you were forced to take a detour down the windy streets of suburbia, through Woodstock and down two one-way streets the wrong way, just so you could get to the Becker's on the corner. During the day you can find her at 661-4920 or at home in the evening at 434-0972. We heard dinner time is usually the best for getting a hold of her.
Okay, let's get back to the money thing. Still a little annoyed about how much you're paying, especially in student fees? Call 679-2111, extension 2607. You'll get University Students' Council President Ian Armour who's responsible for everything the USC does. Got a beef with one of the USC operations? Call Armour. Pissed about paying $75 and not being able to get your car onto an LTC bus? Call Armour. Price of beer at the Wave buggin' ya? Well, you get the point.
And how about that residence food. Ummm... yummy. If you don't agree, complain about it. Call Susan Grinrod at 661-3549, she's the one that controls it all. If you're annoyed about there not being enough Sophs on your floor in residence, call her she'd love to find out what you think about it.
If you haven't had the chance, take a walk around Weldon library. It's a great place, you just can't find anything at the moment. Annoyed that it takes three hours to find that Dr. Seuss book? Give a shout to Dave Riddell at 661-3310, he's in charge of all maintenance and construction around campus. If the snoring termites in the wall of one of your classrooms is throwing your concentration, Dave's the guy you want to talk to.
Speaking of Daves, there's another guy with that oh, so popular name that you might need to get a hold of. Whether that damn transponder keeps making the parking gate shut instead of opening or you're a little perturbed that you're parking spot's closer to the Western Fair than campus, Dave Hill is in charge of everything to do with parking. He can be contacted quite easily at 661-3973.
First year frequently sees weight increasing but marks often do the opposite. If you think there's an unfair reason other than excessive alcohol intake or low test and essay scores, call Francis Bauer the ombudsperson at 661-3573.
Well, we're near the end, but the bitching should just be beginning. Now you know where to call but if you find yourself entrenched in bureaucratic bullshit, there's one more number you can call 661-3580. That's our number so give us a call. We love hearing people complain.