Volume 92, Issue 57

Friday, January 8, 1999

the roof is on fire


The Concrete Beat

Ryan and Hanks remake delivers junk mail

Resolutions for the Hollywood disillusioned

Celebrity Sighting

Sitting on an old goldmine


Resolutions for the Hollywood disillusioned

By Clare Elias, Mark Lewandowski and Christina Vardanis
Gazette Staff

The transition from one year to the next comes laden with various compelling traditions. Some involve the consumption of alcohol while others involve the expulsion of alcohol. But in between these two poles lies the dreaded new year's resolution. Our resolution here at A&E is to go above and beyond the high level of performance we strive for and to satiate the appetites of our rabid readership. We thank you for your support in the first half of the year and hope that this new year is the best one yet.

The past year has had many ups and downs – but it is clear to us that some celebrities need to make some resolutions for 1999. The following list of celebrity names and resolutions is fictional and should only be used for recreational purposes.

Film actor Christian Slater – To remember that movie violence is fake and real violence is a felony.

But as long as he says he's sorry, the fans will take him back with open arms.

Quick-handed musician George Michael – To always ask for identification before pulling out his repertoire for strangers in park bathrooms.

Summer lizard loser Godzilla – Swim back to Japan and hope she can scare up some work after bombing on Broadway.

Star of Ally McBeal, Calista Flockhart – To eat more than the imaginary baby which haunts her and her faithful viewers.

New Orleans rap general Master P – To make music that is relevant and has more meat than just a bunch of half ass rappers running around a basketball gym. Unngh?

Producer of Beverly Hills 90210, Aaron Spelling – To make a new show for his sweet little Tori if this ninth season of 90210 doesn't swim without series star Priestly.

Actor and admitted drug abuser Robert Downey Jr. – To remain silent as anything can be used against him in a court of law. If he cannot afford an attorney, then he will just star in another movie.

Sexy starlet Pamela Anderson – To change Tommy Lee and happily watch their honeymoon on the internet.

Sexually confused actor Eddie Murphy – When he picks up his next prostitute, to make sure she's filled with sugar and spice and everything nice.

Comedian Jerry Seinfeld – In '99 to remember to be a show stopper and not a home wrecker, but darn he likes those married women.

Chesty glam rocker Marilyn Manson – Breasts are not for boys, breasts are not for boys...

Hypocritical doctor Laura Schlessinger – This year she will do what she says instead of just belittling people for things that she has done herself as some way of relieving her own guilt.

New Radicals singer Gregg Alexander – To not only look and act like Jamiroquai but maybe even get some groove.

Supermodel Rebecca Romjin Stamos – To make men everywhere dislike John Stamos for marrying her.

Ex-Spice Girl Geri Halliwell – To make sure not to leave such a big cup to fill next time she makes a career move, even though she has a much brighter future.

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Copyright The Gazette 1999