Volume 92, Issue 89

Wednesday, March 18, 1999


Editorial Board 1998-99

Solutions in a bottle

Editorial Cartoon

Solutions in a bottle

With spring upon us, the birds and the bees will surely be running rampant on Western's campus. Some Western men will be happy to know the pharmacy in the University Community Centre now carries the widely-publicized wonder drug, Viagra. In lieu of Viagra hitting Western shelves, here are a few other miracle drugs which would change the face of the Western community.

Anti-Viagra – A combination of exams and the springtime may force a number of Western's male population to find some water to douse the burning flames smouldering from the mid-section. Long hours in the library bring wandering minds and a walk across the Concrete Beach will force Western men to un-tuck their shirts or search for longer ones. Side-Effects: If taken with alcohol may cause little willy to shrivel into nothingness.

Delta Piagra – If you've always wanted to join a sorority but just couldn't afford it, popping one of these will turn even the sweetest girl into a stuck-up, platform wearing, Gap shopping blonde. That's right, it even changes your hair colour. Side-Effects: Drug may increase the desire for a larger group of friends and a large, old-fashioned house.

Pravdagra – Will help those in the University Students' Council and other Western clubs better understand the highly complicated world. Side-Effects: Democracy.

Shut-upagra – This one will keep even the biggest blabbermouth, tightlipped. Will be a mandatory part of the health plan for all USC members next year. Side-Effects: Meetings may end on time.

Preppieagra – Will make all people on the drug khaki-wearing, briefcase-toting biz school student material. Side-Effects: May increase the possibility of more preppie gangs.

Smartagra – Of course, there's no real pill you can take to completely ace all of your final exams, but this one will give the illusion of smartness. Side-Effects: Extreme near-sightedness and social awkwardness may last longer than desired. Do not use if big date is the following weekend.

Funnyagra – This one will cause you to make jokes which only appear funny to yourself and make others groan. Will cause you to make extreme generalizations and poke fun at those less fortunate. Side-Effects: May cause you to write bad editorials.

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Copyright The Gazette 1999