Volume 93, Issue 46

November 19, 1999


Admin may face review

Government announces cuts

Province may find itself home to private universities

Reform policy may harm UN friendship

The mysteries of medicine revealed


The mysteries of medicine revealed

By Andy J. Gidwani

I've been thinking – as I often do – that we should all be grateful to the world of medical science, since without it, all progress would grind to a halt.

Without medical science, we would have no doctors. Without doctors, there wouldn't be doctors' offices. Without doctors' offices, we would never find a place to put all the stupid old magazines we never read, like Log Cabin Aficionado and Pulp and Paper Weekly.

In high school biology, we used to dissect worms. I'd have to cut the worms open to convince myself they were full of brown guck, even though my high school teacher could apparently see the 14 rings of large intestine containing the half-digested cornflake it ate for breakfast.

The only thing I ever learned in that class, was high school science teachers probably take lots of drugs.

University is a different story. Because of new legislation prohibiting the senseless exploitation of living creatures, all university courses are virtually devoid of high school science teachers. Here, you learn the real purpose of anatomy – providing a use for Latin.

Latin, as you know, is any word ending in "us," such as brachius and Orange Julius.

In anatomy, all tests involve questions in Latin, like, "Describe the connections between the caudal latissimus dorsi and the teres subscapularus and illustrate how they adjoin the anterior superior infraspinatus with the rhomoidus majorus and the dominus benedictus que sera sera."

The correct answer, of course, is "I-us don't-us know-us." The only other use for Latin is to provide employment for the world's Latin scholars – all three of them – and have them write fancy Latin diplomas so we can graduate.

In university anatomy courses, you can even study using cadavers. In this case, you look at a dissected human body and try to find all the pretty coloured organs your book so clearly displays. After a fruitless search to find a blue lung, a purple liver and a green gall bladder, you slowly realize either the issued cadaver was defective or your anatomy textbook was drawn by a four year-old with crayons. Eventually, you realize you know nothing about cadavers and go back to studying Latin and worms.

There you have it. So, the next time you're complaining about doctors, just think about how much Latin they've had to learn and how many back issues of Reader's Digest they have to hang on to. Thank-us you-us.

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Copyright The Gazette 1999