Volume 93, Issue 50

November 26, 1999


Council votes overwhelmingly for $3.60 apology

BOG tables recommendations

Plagiarizing gets harder

Canada loses international appeal

Choose your own adventure

Conference targets medicine



Choose your own adventure

By Clayton Dion

Continuing in my efforts to help my fellow students with their various needs as they make their way through university life, I have prepared a document which may be used by any of you who are applying to a job or any form of grad school.

Simply select the answer you feel will best fit your situation, which I have tried to organize as [desirous of the position/ass-kissingly desirous of the position/too good for the position], as follows:

[To whom it may concern/Your estimable excellency/Howdy],

First, allow me to take the opportunity to thank you for taking the time to read the information which I have provided and for considering someone as [ambitious/unworthy/desperate] as myself for a position at your [eminent/illustrious/acceptable] [business/school]. I consider it [an honour/humbling/a degradation of myself] just to be considered as a possible new member of your institution.

My prior achievements in this field are [too vast to mention/too few by comparison to your standards/too beyond your understanding]. However, I look forward to discussing them in depth at an interview, where I will have the opportunity of [further elaborating on my resume/breaking into tears at the possibility of meeting someone as prestigious as yourself/checking out the selection in the vending machine].

So, for the time being, allow me to simply say that I have been dedicated towards this area of study since I [was very young/learned of your institution's innumerable efforts in this area/heard how much you would pay someone to do this monkey work]. I am sure with my base of knowledge and ability to learn quickly I will make an [excellent/awe-inspired/salaried] member of your team.

My personal interests include [reading, hiking, getting together with friends/building homes for the homeless, teaching the illiterate to read and generally following in the footsteps of Mother Teresa/par-tays!].

These interests will assist with my position at your institution as they [reflect my interest in learning and self-improvement/reflect the importance of others/display my need to follow in the footsteps of Ghandi, or yourself, on the road to doing good for others/must be funded and your job pays a crapload].

I can personally assure you that if I am [hired/accepted] by your [company/school], that I will do everything in my power to [perform my job to the best of my abilities/avoid becoming an embarrassment to the company as a whole/start off small, eventually gaining more and more respect and authority until I become indispensable. I will then make a move for your job, where I will instantly be awarded the position. I will then continue my assault, working my way up the corporate infrastructure until I'm running the whole show. At that time, I will rename the institution in my honour and rule over it with an iron fist from a tropical island in the Bahamas].

In closing, thank you for your consideration. I look forward to [meeting with you at a later time/dreaming of you again tonight in my sleep/my first paycheque].

[Sincerely/Most Humbly/ See ya],

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Copyright The Gazette 1999