Volume 93, Issue 51

Tuesday, November 30, 1999


Editorial Board 1999-2000

Hey, put me in coach!

Editorial Cartoon

Hey, put me in coach!

Science is a wondrous thing.

After arduous research, an insightful team of Italian doctors have discovered something which should give male athletes around the world a reason to smile. In addition to the standard pre-game fare of stretching, loading up on carbs and putting on the lucky jockstrap, this astute collective has determined that engaging in sexual activity before the big game helps men in their athletic performance.

While we could take a somewhat mature standpoint on this matter, we have decided to extend our doctor friends' research a little bit further by specifying exactly how the pre-game porking aids each sport. We apologize for anyone expecting even an ounce of tact or maturity here. Nothing good can come of this.

1. Golf – Proving you can find the hole with your accurate long game and dexterous short game before you hit the links, may keep you out of the rough during the real thing. And having her call you Tiger might be inspirational as well.

2. Basketball – Because if you can practice dribbling after a slam dunk on your own time, it'll be easier to pull it off on the court.

3. Football – If you can hit a tight end in the dark, you can do it anywhere.

4. Curling – Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Harder! Harder!

5. Baseball – No one likes a shallow pop fly to centre. Perhaps a home run or 10 in the bedroom will equal more on the diamond. (Please revert to Grade 7 sexual analogy humour for this one).

6. Rugby – There's a hooker on the field. We refuse to walk you through this one.

7. Bowling – Every good bowler has discovered somewhere along the way that keeping your balls polished makes it much easier to pick up the split. Conversely, our own research has confirmed wearing those shoes during intercourse doesn't help with traction, but asking your partner to wear a shirt with their name embroidered on it can come in handy.

8. Volleyball – Repeated practice in setting up the bumps makes it much easier to drive the spikes home. It's also nice to have your knee pads worn in for the game.

9. Downhill skiing – Before hitting the slopes, one must remember once you lose hold of your poles, it's all downhill from there.

10. Swimming – In both cases you can just put on your latex cap and dive right in, while always minding the grace of your stroke.

And we are spent.

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