Volume 93, Issue 38

Friday, November 5, 1999


Bill could target panhandling

Fresh air for diabetic research

Elgin Hall officially opens with ceremony

Deputy registrar waves goodbye

A healthy way of life - sort of

Food grease and oil may fuel cars of the future


Buzz Mecca

Caught on campus

A healthy way of life - sort of

By Andy J. Gidwani

As you get older, it makes good sense to try and take better care of yourself.

I like to keep abreast of any scientific developments in health and unless infomercials have steered me wrong, at some critical age I will develop a pot belly the size of a personal stereo. To make matters worse, the rest of my life will probably involve using "thigh blasters" – those elastic cords which anchor your feet to the wall – to trim the fat.

To prevent this, I have been told to "eat properly." This, of course, means consuming my food with utensils.

However, eating properly also involves choosing wisely from the four food groups: meats, breads, meats and some other one. Since all of my four food groups involve gravy, I was told to try a diet. Not the kind of diet you may be thinking of – like stopping all ingestion of food and food flavoured products until you waistline shrinks to the diameter of a tangerine. I mean one of those healthy lifestyle diets.

To make the process a little easier, the Canadian Association of Dieticians Who Recommend Food that a Starving Billy Goat Wouldn't Even Eat or the C.A.D.W.R.F.S.B.G.W.E.E. for short, has prepared a list of foods which are classified as good and bad.

Good foods include tofu, grape nuts or any other cereal with the consistency of a shredded belt. Bad foods include everything else, especially cheeseburgers.

But pay attention! "Everything else" also includes non-store-bought products, like packets of candy you find lying in a parking lot. One of the first things they teach students in medical school is, "Never eat anything you find lying around in a parking lot." It's amazing what science can teach you, really.

So, in good spirits, I tried one of these healthy diets and can strongly assure you it was the worst seven minutes of my life.

Firstly, a lot of the fancy health food can only be obtained at health food stores, most of which are located in Toronto. These stores sell health vitamins, drinks and hydroponic vegetables – hydro meaning "Geez, relax, it's only water" and ponic, meaning, "Costs more than a bag of cocaine."

I left one of these health food stores with a sack of merchandise weighing more than a wet wrestler and a quarter-pounder, even though I paid roughly the Gross National Product of France for it.

Secondly, there were a few problems associated with the high fibre cereal I bought, namely I couldn't chew it without tenderizing it with a hammer first. The taste was also a little bland, until of course, I poured a bag of sugar on it. If humans were really meant to eat high fibre cereal, we would have evolved with fangs and no sense of taste.

I hope this has given you a start to eating right. In case it doesn't, I've got a couple of elastic cords I could sell you real cheap.

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Copyright The Gazette 1999