Volume 93, Issue 32

Wednesday, October 27, 1999


Editorial Board 1999-2000

It's what the public wants

Editorial cartoon

It's what the public wants

A recent move forward by the city to improve London's downtown area must be applauded, even though it's long overdue. However, it must be noted that an aesthetic change, although a good start, can only go so far.

With this in mind, here are a few improvements that, if made, would revitalize the interest to frequent the downtown area.

1. Have a trained dog show every other week, complete with categories for breeding, tricks and the all-important aspect of grooming. For those allergic to dog hair, circus freak exhibitions could be held on alternate weeks.

2. Put a coffee shop in every establishment, even in coffee shops, so one can get a coffee while waiting in line to get a coffee. Nothing is more harmful to establishing a sense of well-being downtown than caffeine-deficient citizens.

3. Petting zoos have been proven to produce spectators, so placing one in the middle of downtown has to be a smart idea. For the countless teenagers who already frequent downtown, a heavy petting zoo might also work.

4. One word – monorail. For those who don't know what one of those are, the name originates from Latin, with "mono" meaning "one" and "rail" meaning "rail." Not only would it eliminate the obvious downtown parking problem, but a simple ride to work would feel like a day at Disneyland and who wouldn't want that?

5. To combat the rash of graffiti which has stained London buildings, designate one wall for all the spray paint artwork to reside. Then mess with the vandalizers' heads by whitewashing the brick and calling it reverse psychology.

6. For all those who frequent malls for the convenience of having so many diverse stores enclosed in one easy space, creating moving sidewalks would be an ideal way to bring people back to the downtown core. Two separate speeds of sidewalks would be essential, a fast lane for the busy and a slower one for those wishing to window shop.

7. Finally, passing a city wide ordinance forcing everyone to speak in an English accent would greatly improve social relations, replacing phrases like, "You got a fuckin' problem, pal?" with more amicable phrases like "Pip pip, guvnor, dreadfully sorry."

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Copyright The Gazette 1999