Volume 93, Issue 12

Wednesday, March 18, 1999


Neglected coverage for do-gooders

From Generation X to degeneration

Campus Rec strikes back at lineups

Goodbye, but we never met

Here she is, Mrs. America

Love it or censor it

Killing rabbits for art

Here she is, Mrs. America

After my own scrupulous analysis, I had a team of gifted monkeys look into the matter and together we have confirmed one thing – Miss America and other such beauty pageants do in fact showcase women as aesthetic objects.

Don't worry, I have no intentions of robbing the next few minutes of your life by giving you a Femi-Nazi manifesto about how penile oppression and primitive events like beauty pageants must soon die. I trust the modern man to realize beauty pageants present the specific contestants on the stage as objects to view and judge, while female friends, passer-bys and co-workers – none of whom are likely to be wearing a bikini and heels – do not beg for the same ogling.

I also trust modern men and women alike to grasp that despite the token five minute question and answer segment of the pageant where the cleavage takes a back seat to clever insight, these shows disprove the idealistic maxim that beauty is on the inside.

Having said this, I am dumbfounded that the Miss America contestant contract includes an oath that the woman is not married or a mother. I am even more aghast that contestants, past winners and state pageant directors have threatened to abandon the pageant if changes are implemented to accept divorcees or women who have no children due to abortion or miscarriage in order to meet New Jersey discrimination laws.

The people protesting claim the new rules would compromise the pageant's moral standards. Are they suggesting marriage and motherhood are immoral acts nowadays?

The pageant affiliates seem quite selective with pulling the "standards" card out from an event that involves the words "swimsuit competition." I would like to see pageant affiliates just admit their event is nothing more than a meat market in no way mitigated by sequin gowns or Bob Goen in a tux. If need be, they can borrow the research notes scripted by me and the monkeys.

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Copyright The Gazette 1999