Volume 93, Issue x

Wednesday, March 18, 1999


Put them in, Coach, Western is ready to play

TSN becomes death match

The rebirth of cricket: the cycle of sporting life

Scrummaging answers from Natascha Wesch

TSN becomes death match

Chances are your busy schedule didn't allow you to catch the latest in sports news this past week, so you probably missed out on the fact that Darren Dutchyshen, intrepid SportsDesk announcer on TSN, was charged for assaulting the groom of a wedding on Saturday. TSN now seems to be facing a huge media relations problem with Dutchyshen's misadventure.

However, with all the competition like Sportsnet and Headline Sports, this seems like an ideal time for TSN to change the format of its flagship show. Now, I think we can watch as SportsDesk becomes SportsDeath.

So, what can you expect from this new and improved sports show? Well, you'll see the champion of beatings, Dutchyshen, sitting side by side with SportsDesk anchor Gino "Mankiller" Reda.

The show begins as usual, but as Reda starts to speak, Dutchyshen is offended by the sound of his voice. He wastes no time and literally pulls the chair out from under Reda. Swearing horribly, Dutchyshen then tries to finish off Reda by pummeling him with John Gallagher jokes. But we don't call him "Mankiller" for nothing.

Just as Dutchyshen goes for the kill – with the old hog tie and pig roast combo – Reda moves out of the way, comes up from behind, puts Dutchyshen in a devastating bear hug and starts chewing on his ear. Dutchyshen struggles, but with every movement his bones are heard breaking. Dutchyshen begins to say his prayers knowing his SportsDeath days are almost over.

But then, just as the crushing blow is about to fall with the dreaded "badhairdo," Reda's arch nemesis Jim "Vantastic" Van Horn arrives. Grabbing a microphone he begins pounding on Reda until he drops Dutchyshen. After putting a bomb down his throat Van Horn throws Dutchyshen's mangled body aside, grabs a mic and utters a challenge to face Reda on a later SportsDeath episode. Keeping in mind, all the while, Micheal Lansberg is doing colour commentary and is the secret mastermind behind it all.

The moral to this story is, we live in a world where violence is a common day experience. While Dutchyshen may be facing a great deal of pressure for his actions, remember what he did was probably about the same as what happens in a hockey fight. Who knows, maybe Dutchyshen was upset that he didn't catch the garter.

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Copyright The Gazette 1999