Volume 93, Issue 100

Thursday, April 6, 2000


Editorial Board 1999-2000

Street smarts

Editorial cartoon

Street smarts

Study buddies unite.

As the academic year comes to an end and the consumption of caffeinated beverages reaches an all-time high, we are reminded of the wonderful world of higher learning and the joys of final exams.

Although many of you may be thinking your fool-proof study plans of reviewing notes, reading over textbooks and practicing old questions are concrete – we thought of some steadfast strategies which might come in handy and are sure to land you on the dean's list.

1) Fake scurvy – A timeŠtested method of getting out of exams which was first brought to North America by the Vikings. Just place your lips over your top and bottom teeth, pretending they have all fallen out due to a lack of vitamin C. If they don't buy it, resort to Plan B and eat tons of salted meats – we'll see who laughs last when you're gumming your way to the top of the class.

2) Answer essays in pictorial form – A picture is very subjective and everybody knows the old adage "A picture's worth a thousand words." Use this to your advantage and break out the box of Crayola 64. If questioned on what the pictures mean, reverse the question and ask the prof how they would interpret it.

3) Write all of the answers on the bottom of your shoes – After doing this and showing up to the exam, you'll realize that you have remembered a lot of the facts and you won't even need your ink filled soles. Warning: Do not put your feet up on the desk at the end of the exam – it can only lead to bad things. (i.e. Mike Seaver on Growing Pains).

4) Get two cavity fillings the night before – Metal fillings are able to pick up radio stations, so now is your chance to use the power of broadcasting to its full potential. Just get your roommate to tune into your teeth's frequency on a short wave radio and announce the answers. Make sure he/she doesn't sing "Convoy" or go to commercial.

5) Have relations with your professor – If all else fails and book smarts are just not going to do the job, use the power of carnal knowledge and get horizontal with your professor. Take a trip over to your prof's home, preferably the day before the exam and get ready for a true "examination." If you can't get an "A" that way, it's your own damn fault.

Good luck with all of your academic endeavours and if nothing else, trying the above suggestions will keep you from being hepped up on coffee and watching the sun come up.

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