|ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT
Sloan between bridges of Canada and the world
Fletcher Munsen taking care of business
Let's talk about sex, baby
So three days remain before the holiday of love. Many of you frisky little monkeys may seize this time to have a little extra fun with your significant other or any other body you choose to share this Hallmark engineered day of hearts and chocolate with. Heck, maybe you're getting completely crazy and have decided to include a little porn in your plans.
If this is the case, you're going to be on the look out for an equal opportunity film offering a little bit of eye candy for the both of you. You should probably visit the "Couples Appeal" section. Although this is the category of porn from which most Pornucopia reviews stem, this week I searched endlessly for a film with a particularly equal bill until I found it in Free Lovin'.
As the previews on the back of the case detail, Michael Zen's story is supposed to follow the adventures of an unhappy couple, Donna and Steve, who have settled in a suburbian apartment complex run by an odd landlady who has as much of a penchant for pink accessories as she does for her hairy handyman.
As a result of their sagging love life, both Donna and Steve turn to their dream worlds to find some sexual solace Steve with a black-haired dominatrix and Donna with a leather-garbed biker. When the couple realizes their brand new neighbours eerily resemble their respective dream partners, mystery and excitement is destined to follow.
Living next door in their '60s fashioned abode is Kismet and Jesse, a duo who wholeheartedly subscribe to free love. These two give Donna and Steve a lava lamp, which Jesse promises will unleash a world of "groovy" times. Of course the lava lamp does not fail, leaving Donna and Steve to enjoy a sexual reawakening with their neighbours. All appears well until the landlady informs the couple that Kismet and Jesse have been dead for almost 20 years.
From this description on the case, it is fair for most to assume Free Lovin' will deliver a porn exploring both male and female fantasy, as well as a little Scooby Doo level intrigue. This, however, just simply isn't the case.
First off, Zen made no attempt whatsoever to appeal to the female viewers of this "Couples Appeal" movie. While generalizations will get you nowhere, it is probably safe to assume most women don't fantasize about giving oral sex to hideous looking men who wear black tank tops and sport Moffats style coifs.
If you are going to tout your porn as one that looks at female fantasy, do your research otherwise you're left with a pathetic reel of celluloid, sure to leave many pertinent customers not only dissatisfied, but laughing in the face of your genre.
Zen should also be ashamed of his sad attempt to create a robust mise-en-scene aimed at capturing a true sense of mysticism. Sorry, but an excess of beads, amber lighting and headbands is not sufficient to visually whisk your viewer away to the land of groovy love. Bottom line if you're looking for a way to keep yourself entertained on Valentine's Day, you'd be better off practicing on yourself (or your partner) rather than practicing Free Lovin'.