Editorial Board 1999-2000
It's always about sex
It's always about sex
A new Arizona bill has cracked down on the two things that students across the country cherish most about post-secondary education alcohol and sex.
If passed, the law would make it illegal for students living in school residences to engage in sexual activity before marriage, or consume alcohol. However, perhaps the proponents of this bill are being too hasty in wanting sex to be illegal. We've uncovered alternative methods Arizona could take to ensure there would be no sex before marriage.
1. Men and women could be separated into an East and West region within the state. (Note reference elementary school dances to see how this phenomenon occurs in the wild).
2. Each woman could have to get a tattoo of Linda Tripp on their forehead. The permanent "art" would act as a preventative cure to any sort of carnal impulses.
3. Prohibition could return to the desert state no alcohol equals no beer goggles, equals no horizontal mambo.
4. Two words bunk beds.
5. Three hundred watt track lighting could be installed in all pubs and bars, to allow for exposure of bad comb-overs and bulky sweatshirts, as well as over-used rouge and glaring foundation lines.
6. Around the clock programming of hockey could be provided to allow all sexual aggressions and frustrations to be taken out on the ice.
7. Men could be responsible for mandatory "next day calls," punishable by either a forcible second date or, in extreme cases, early parental meetings.
8. Women could be sanctioned with mandatory granny undergarments or long underwear. These garments would by backed by '80s leg warmers.
9. A rapid increase in the amount of Anne Geddes posters in women's bedrooms could be implemented, as their simple, yet effectively evil depictions of innocent children dressed up and tricked into "cute" poses are enough to wilt any man.
10. Chastity belts could be administered to young women, each with internal time locks programmed to open on wedding day. Belts would be equipped with sensors to detect 24 hour wedding chapels or priests dressed as Elvis, to punish those looking for a quick fix.
11. Those caught breaking any or all of the above laws would be forced to wear embarrassing sandwich boards with demeaning slogans, such as "I got caught enjoying the shocker," "Things that make you feel warm and fuzzy are the devil," "My other sandwich board is a ham and cheese" and so on.