Volume 93, Issue 59

Friday, January 14, 2000


Weekend Pass

Stillborn comes to life

Rock in the P.O.M. of your hand

The idiot's guide to good theatre times



The idiot's guide to good theatre times

When people go to the movies there are certain choices they must always make in order to maximize the pleasure of the film watching experience. Here are some common queries:

Should you go early to the box office to make sure there are plenty of tickets available? Should you sit down early in order to acquire the best seats? Popcorn, candy, or both? Beverages? Barring the obvious subjectivity which these kinds of decisions require, there are a few ways to make your night at the movies an unforgettable experience.

1. The first obstacle at the movies is always the outrageous cost of stuff that's super cheap in the outside world. A popcorn and coke combo will often put you back the same amount as the regular price of a ticket. Therefore, you should not be afraid to bring your own food and beverages into the theatre. All you really need is a big jacket. Nothing makes the movies better than contraband snacks and cola. How about a couple of fast food burgers, a large bag of chips, or a bottle of gin? It's all possible. Don't limit yourself – there's enough people in this world who will do that for you.

2. While I suggest entering the theatre relatively early, it's a myth that you have to be there first to get the best seats. Find a seat somewhere near the middle – if someone is really close to you, don't be afraid to sit beside them and try a few of these proven standbys. Speak in a hoarse voice and complain loudly about how hard its been to beat this latest (and wickedly contagious) case of mono. Casually throw in hard numbers for amounts of people you've infected.

Barring that, a popcorn fight will give you enough space for ultimate comfort and also secure a spot for your large jacket. A more pressing issue than being crowded in your own row, is having someone sit directly in front of you. If you see someone about to take up this precious real estate, try leaning forward and fake puking a couple times. This'll scare people away in a hurry.

3. The theatres have graciously provided viewers with drink holders, but this pittance is rarely enough to satisfy the real film connoisseur. Instead, try bringing in a large book. If anybody asks you about it, just say you are reviewing the movie for a local paper and you need the book as a hard surface for writing. Now you can use it as a dining table to serve yourself and fellow movie-goers. Explore your trading options. Establish a trafficking hierarchy with you at the top. Depending on your proficiency you can start bartering your food for other goods and cigarettes.

4. Your choice of dress is the last component of a good movie night. Seats can often be less than comfortable and a pillow will be hard to sneak in with your book and food. Therefore, try going in a loosely fit dashiki or go commando. But be warned, this habit may carry over to other parts of your daily routine. Finally, bring a pair of snug running shoes in case the cinema staff or fellow movie-goers feel less than enthusiastic about your advanced level of skill.

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Copyright The Gazette 2000