Volume 93, Issue 59

Friday, January 14, 2000


What he can do, she can do too

Phraternities are phun phur all

Phraternities are phun phur all

By Colin Butler

I wandered into the University Community Centre today and saw one of Western's many social phenomenons – fraternities.

Hated and loved at the same time, these close-knit groups of students seem to have a reputation for partying and the drunken revelry of idiotic extremes – the likes of which most people never experience, let alone even imagine.

Much like cults, fraternities are mysterious and frightening, plus their members cannot be killed by conventional weapons. Which is why you can easily lose your family and friends' respect by joining one of these organizations. So most people tend not to, much like most people tend not to join the circus.

So you wanted to feel part of a group that dabbles in the black art of idiocy, but you don't want to immediately lose the respect of your friends, family and local law enforcement agency? Well, if this fits your description then I have the solution for you my friend: the "phraternity."

This is an invention which I have come up with myself. It carries the alternate spelling, "phraternity" so that it does not subscribe to any conventional definitions.

My phrat, dubbed Beer House in honour of our Lord and Saviour, bottled beer, is a group of people dedicated to carrying out crimes of random destruction and/or irony. At the scene of each crime, members of Beer House will leave an empty container of liquor as a calling card to all those who would oppose the phrat's wrath.

Beer House's pledging system is a strictly controlled affair where applicants must kiss members asses in a gruelling 72 hour ass-kiss-o-rama. Mind you, this is after the pledge has paid his/her applicant fee of $940.32, otherwise the applicant cannot have the honour of pressing their lips to our glorious rear ends. If the pledge endures this 72 hour marathon, the pledge is then worthy to become a member, after they consume 84 litres of beer in a 24 hour period.

All 84 litres must be consumed within the specified period without the pledge suffering from the following: blindness, massive heart attack, liver failure, kidney failure or collapsing of the lungs. Although a degree of brain damage is permitted, the liquification of parts of the brain due to alcohol or massive head trauma during drinking cannot exceed 32 per cent of the entire organ. Beer House is not responsible for any injury and/or death during the pledging process.

So if you don't want to join a fraternity, but would like to drink yourself within an inch of your life – join Beer House, the phraternity. The best part about it is that I get your money. So send $940.32 to Rm. 263 UCC c/o Beer House, attn: The glorious and sexy emperor of Beer House.

Hope to see some new faces.

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