Volume 93, Issue 66

Thursday, January 27, 2000


Editorial Board 1999-2000

As USC prez, I promise...

Editorial cartoon

As USC prez, I promise...

The University Students' Council presidential elections are once again upon the traditionally apathetic students at Western.

We know all of you good democratic boys and girls have been suffering from presidential forum anticipation. While our ears are perked for the old catch phrases like accessibility, accountability and pretty much every other "bility" in the book, we thought we'd run down some of the campaign promises which will more than likely never make the stage at presidential forums in our fine institution.

1. Helper monkeys for every student. Besides the 60 who already meet every two weeks to scratch their heads and pick bugs off one another, where would you find 30,000 monkeys, anyway?

2. Round-the-clock porn on TVWestern. We know this would seriously cut into the "staring-eye-time" currently featured on the station, but in case the gods are listening, "The Purple Sperm" has a nice ring to it.

3. Mandatory track pants day on campus. We know we'll never hear this because unlike vests, "Everybody in track pants" doesn't mesh that well to swing music.

4. Death-matches between Western's football team and the engineering department. Oops, wrong editorial. This one should have been filed under things we've already seen at Western.

5. See-saws on Concrete Beach. This little promise doesn't stand a chance this year, as students are still experiencing motion sickness from USC's VP-finance, Derrick Taub's, apologetic flip flops.

6. Regular field trips to the zoo. Do students really need to see people shovelling more shit than they already do (refer to Campaign Promises You'll Never Hear No. 1)?

7. Increased research into the health benefits of alcohol. There has to be something in that sweet, sweet brain cell killing liquid we are presently unaware of. However, this idea would never fly, as we're all too hung over to get into it.

8. All naked USC meetings. Interesting concept, but doomed from the start. There's a difference between good naked and bad naked.

9. Prostitutes on campus. Promising, but alas, never to be heard, as students are already solicited enough by the damn credit card people. No wait, we take it back, we forgot about the clever presents they give away just for signing up.

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