Volume 93, Issue 67

Friday, January 28, 2000


Monaco drops from prez race

Forum profits from Millionaire

French's courageous mother visits campus

London police say city's crime rate is on the rise

Brown down with the people

Accessibility tops Chiba's priorities

What councellors won't tell you

Bass Ackwards

What councellors won't tell you

By Clayton Dion
Gazette Columnist

Did you think university would be like this?

The ivory tower of wisdom comes with a few surprises along the way. Over the last few months I've had several enriching experiences which were never presented to me by my high school guidance counsellor. If he had shared a few of these gems, perhaps more people would have wanted to go to university. These are just a few sad but true stories.

I never expected to write a serious, scholarly paper which contained the phrase, "he scolds his disobedient penis." But I did – right after questioning whether it was really disobedient or just lazy. It turns out it may have been a bit of both, with a serious disease thrown in for good measure. If you like your poetry spewing perversion, you can't beat Rochester.

I never expected to be instructed quite seriously on the merits of Rutatosk, the malicious squirrel. Aren't all squirrels malicious and the natural enemy of mankind? It seems the squirrel rules the land in Norse Mythology like a partner to Bullwinkletosk, the conspiring Moose.

I didn't think discussions of Austin Powers drinking the "leftovers" from Fat Bastard had a place in an essay. But apparently it was the best part of the paper. I really should have saved it for the conclusion because if you open with a man enjoying a faeces cocktail, there's really nowhere to go but down.

I never expected to find such words of wisdom in the University Community Centre's BookStore as I found when browsing the magnetic display of words. A simple thank you is all I can offer to the person who managed to concoct, "My pickle is smellish." True inspiration such as this comes along but once in a lifetime.

A thank you to the person or people who took all the time and effort to hang three pine cones by small pink strings onto a tree which is neither cone bearing nor barely able to support the weight of these three. Every time I walk past the UCC, I get a smile just knowing they will be there waiting for me until the tape gives out.

Another thank you to my professor who, after a student's cell phone rang out in class, yelled to the student, "See that dial, the one with the plane on it, keep it level son!" I'm sure your words of encouragement helped land the plane safely and everyone was able to enjoy the holidays with their family.

Thank you to that person who managed to ever so subtly deface the paper which encourages us not to deface the school's property. By a simple change of letter you managed bring joy to those of us who actually wondered why we were instructed: "Do Not Use Desks As Poodle Pads." Had there been an outbreak of poodles at the school who found that desks made perfect places to relieve themselves? It was a while before I realized the "P" should be a "D" and that the notice originally lacked inspiration.

I must thank you all, not only because you surprised and amused but, much more importantly, because it is you who wrote this column.

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Copyright The Gazette 2000