Volume 94, Issue 5


Don't daunt my ark building ambition

Don't daunt my ark building ambition

Opinions Overlord
Colin Butler
Opinions Editor

I've been building an ark lately. I'm sure, if you're reading this, then you've obviously been outside enough over the past few weeks to have noticed that it has been raining quite a lot. God, as I know him – an invisible man equipped with omnipotence and the mentality of a three-year-old (he gets mad when you mention his name in trivial reference)– is trying to kill us.

So, I'm taking the initiative. Since Judgment Day is slowly coming upon us, the boss will notice what I have done and the rest of you will be fish food. I'll be ready in my giant boat, filled with a pair of every one of God's creatures and sure enough, the man upstairs will carry me to safety. Call me crazy if you like, but I think it's a hell of a lot healthier to build an ark for Judgment Day, than to celebrate with a toast a la Jonestown with poisoned Kool-Aid.

Why would he want to kill us you may ask in bewildered wonderment. Well, sir or madam, the answer is simple: We've become too evil. God, for some reason, likes to cleanse the earth every now and then, because – well, because we just need discipline. It's much like a spanking, except instead of a sore bum, you die and are banished to a miserable existence in hell forever and ever. Just because you hid porno under your mattress, smoked pot, went on a homicidal rampage, or just planned on contributing to the economy until you're sixty-five, you've been begging for a watery grave all your life.

Don't act surprised, God laid down the law years ago. He had it all written down in this book filled with psalms, verses and testaments – it's like life's bible. It's filled with all sorts of things you can't do, namely everything except worship him and technically even that's a sin. Essentially it's your mother in book form. If you didn't pay attention, well, you're fucked.

I know there are those among you readers that don't believe in God. Well, shame on you for your lack of faith, although you do get the gold star for your reasoning abilities. You see, God has never shown himself to anyone, there are no existing pictures of him and he never does press conferences. He doesn't shake hands or sign autographs, nor does he come pre-packaged and ready to eat without cholesterol or preservatives. So if no one has seen, heard, touched, smelled or even tasted this almighty being, then logically he can't exist. That is until you're so desperate, you're willing to believe.

It seems in everyone's life, no matter how sacrilegious you tend to be, when facing a situation with the most dire of consequences, most people pray in hopes that they will be spared from the inner circles of hell.

So you think you can play mean jokes on those Jehovah's Witnesses that come to your door – like pretending you don't speak English, or pretending you're a Jehovah's Witness and then attempt to convert them to your fold?

Then in the end, expect that a minute-long prayer will buy you a clean record and a ticket to heaven? Although you're lying to yourself, you're not alone. I know that's what I'm going to do when I die and if that doesn't work, hopefully this ark I'm building will win God over.

My ship will measure 900 cubits by 450 cubits and will hold two of each kind of animal that exists upon the earth, but there will be only one skipper: That's me. The coolest part about re-colonizing earth with life is that I get to wear a captain's hat. My crew will consist of the most sea worthy of swabs who ever sailed the Seven Seas and if I don't like the cut of their jib, then they'll walk the plank. I have big plans, however I have a small budget. So far, I'm the only member of the crew, which makes construction difficult.

People laugh at me for building my ship. The neighbours complain, the fact that I stand in front of a giant pile of wood swearing every time anything goes wrong, lowers property values. People don't want to live next to a religious nutball, they tell me. I tell them that I'm not religious, I'm an opportunist.

So laugh if you must, but I will continue to build my floating zoo with unfeigned determination, for an invisible man who will kill us all. It's totally reasonable to me.

To Contact The Opinions Department:

Copyright The Gazette 2000