Volume 93, Issue 88

Thursday, March 16, 2000


Machines administer next dose

Kiss, Crue alumni marry to form new rock Union

Toast sale brings about a new economic era

LOX fail while Doyle sets sail

Toast sale brings about a new economic era

The newest album from Orlando boy poppers *NSYNC, entitled No Strings Attached, has created quite a stir in the music industry.

It's an inspired effort, cataloguing the members' emotional conflict over the decision of whether to stay in a harmful relationship with their former management, or throw all their years of precious memories aside and begin anew.

But what if the album is a flop? Well, if all else fails, they can still sell their uneaten food. In a remarkable show of altruism Monday, an American radio station put a piece of half-eaten French toast, given to them by the group, up for auction on the internet site eBay. *NSYNC decided the plight of the poor was greater than their dietary need for enriched flour and Québec maple syrup, electing to give New York's Z-100 the foodstuff to sell for charity.

Everything seemed all well and good with the proceedings, as the toast sold for $1,025 US to 19 year-old Kathy Summers. In a sign of good faith, Z-100 matched Summers' bid and donated the combined pot to *NSYNC's favourite charity. Summers was reportedly ecstatic over the chance to own a piece of the pop supergroup, albeit a syrup-drenched, stale one. She claimed she planned to freeze-dry the food and in time, pass it on to her children.

Ironically, this business venture is one which may tear the group's harmonious union apart. An enormous dispute has erupted between the group's members over which one of them made the sacrifice of donating their breakfast to charity. Though the toast was advertised as belonging to heartthrob tenor Justin Timberlake, baritone/fifth fiddle Lance Bass is now claiming to be the toast's actual donor.

As of late, no band has managed to corner the untapped market of celebrity breakfast remnants without a hitch. Rumour has it aging hair band Motley CrŸe once offered three-quarters of a Tommy Lee breakfast omelette he was eating off the stomach of a 13 yearÐold groupie. When the question of the omelette's contents came up, however, the implication of a whiskey-and-Doritos combination forced Lee into a recovery program. Other artists have taken their shot and failed, all with predictably disastrous results.

It is staggering to imagine the wealth that awaits *NSYNC and other celebrities who can harness this economic market. The media stigma of bulimia placed on svelte celebs like Ally McBeal's Calista Flockheart would be forgotten, replaced by laudings and humanitarian awards for their contributions to charity.

Expansion into other avenues of celebrity hygiene could soon follow. Rabid fans with an interest in owning a piece of the stars could pick up such items as mason jars filled with used bath water and lava lamps made with liposuctioned fat. A new realm of economic creativity could be forged, with *NSYNC as the industry's forefathers.

So don't let the toast paternity issue tear you apart, guys. The fate of the world's economy is resting on your shoulders.

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