Volume 94, Issue 42

Tuesday, November 14, 2000


Editorial Board 2000-2001

It ain't easy being fifth

Editorial Cartoon

It ain't easy being fifth

Same old, same old.

Canada's weekly newsmagazine, Maclean's, put forth their millennium installment of its annual university rankings edition, grading the nation's higher education institutions from coast to coast.

And despite much time, money and effort by university administration, Western still finds itself two positions removed from the podium at fifth in the country – just as it has been for the past two years.

How could this be? What are we doing wrong? What are we doing right? Or are we doing anything at all? Fear not, for The Gazette has compiled a list of possible explanations why the Mustangs have not galloped ahead of the pack, or for that matter, fallen off the pace.

1) Western's rank in productions and students council promotions fell rapidly from September to November due to questionable student turnouts and promotional efforts. Because of it, Western's overall mark took a massive hit as well.

2) Maclean's at one point had taken Western right off the university ranking scorecard. The mistake was later rectified upon the explanation that it was not in fact an elementary school and the yellow school buses were in place to save money.

3) The chief university ranking officer for Maclean's left on bad terms with the university when she was unable to find a single parking spot on the premises. An effort to bribe her was pursued as the university sent her a gift basket that included a roll of quarters for Gizmos, one free tanning session and an explanation of what exactly Artifex sells.

4) The university was actually placed first in the country during the preliminary rankings. It later dropped five whole positions when Maclean's was notified it was in fact the University of Western Ontario and not the University of Richard Ivey.

5) Post-secondary schooling experts have stated Western's inability to shake their party school image has once again cost them in the rankings. In other news, frosh kits from orientation week increased their beer content from two to three cases.

6) Western has also been unable to overcome shortcomings in a few key categories once again this year – a prosperous football program, Imaginus poster sales, used CD quotas, naked masturbators [beat out only by York University], affordable campus food and Stevenson Lawson lineups.

7) Maclean's editors voting in university grading categories such as library holdings, faculties and tuition used a new ballot that was said to be both 'confusing' and 'hard to follow' and may have skewed the results in favour of the other universities.

Whatever the case, Western has another 365 days to try and persuade Canada's weekly newsmagazine for a better showing.

Whatever the case, this year's competition is not over as Western is currently waiting on absentee ballots as well as demanding a hand re-count.

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