Volume 94, Issue 37
Friday, November 3, 2000
Parliament Hill turns into Beverly Hills 90210
Absurd. Comical. Captivating.
Yes kids, there are only two things which these three adjective can possibly describe: Canadian federal politics and the dearly departed Beverly Hills 90210 (ironically the first two adjectives also describe my love life).
Why are some of us so captivated by the current federal election campaign? As I listen to the empty political rhetoric being tossed around by the party leaders, I can slowly feel my brain oozing out of my ears.
I couldn't quite place this "brain oozing" phenomenon at first. It seemed vaguely familiar. Then it came to me it's the same feeling I always got while watching 90210..
The election and 90210 are both insufferable, yet they are also both strangely compelling. So, without further ado, I will combine them and bring you Parliament Hill 90210.
Jean Chretien? Who would the cagey old bastard play if he was on an emtpy soul-less television show situated in California? My pick is Dylan. Both are unintelligilble, arrogant, self-absorbed, cold veterans of their respective worlds.
Stock the Jock? Definitely Brandon. They're both young, squeaky clean mamma's boys with polished "nice guy" images. You just know if Brandon had ever run for political office on the series, he would have campaigned on an agenda of "respect."
I always hoped someone would punch Brandon in the head whenever I saw him on screen and I get the same feeling whenever I see Stock.
Kelly gets a lofty character parallel she represents Canada as a whole. She had two men consistently figthting for her heart, much like our great nation. She was beautiful, confused and divided. I'll admit the parallel has a few core problems. Canada was never a slut in high school and I'm pretty sure our nation has never had a lesbian moment with some girl it almost died with in a fire, but we're looking at the bigger picture here.
Gilles Duceppe, the leader of our friends at the Parti-Quebecois? I think he gets to be Brenda. Brenda was always trying to screw Dylan and double-cross Kelly. Of course, Shannon Doherty is much hotter than Gilles will ever be.
Joe Clark is my pick for Donna because, after all these years, he still comes across as a political virgin. Joe's confidence in his party's political future is plastic and artificial; Tori Spelling's breasts are plastic and artificial. She was also a horrific actress. Let me tell you a secret kids, Joe's not a very good actor, either.
Former federal conservative leader Jean Charest? My casting choice for him is as Donna's boyfriend, David, if for no other reason then the mental picture of him and Joe Clark being highschool sweethearts. Of course, we all know Stock and his God would have a few words to say about that relationship.
Alexa, the NDP federal leader? She couldn't land a role on the show. She'd probably be in charge of wardrobe.
In conclusion, I have too much time on my hands.
However, last spring's series finale of 90210 did have on parallel to the upcoming federal election; whether you like it or not, Dylan wins over Kelly just as Chretien will win Canada.
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