Volume 94, Issue 25
Friday, October 13, 2000
As Prime Minister Lackner, I would...
Election bells are rumoured to soon start ringing on Parliament Hill and the waves of nausea can be felt rolling across Canada.
Liberal Party "nervous Nellies" are crossing their fingers and hoping Uncle Jean can pull the wool over the public's eyes one last time. Meanwhile, Stock the jock is off wrestling alligators or bungee jumping with juggling midgets don't worry, you'll see the photo on the front pages tomorrow. And Joe Clark? He's off writing his own political eulogy. Finally, the New Democrats have Alexa as their super-hero possessing the magical, wonderful power of 'invisibilty.'
Who has the vision to be our next prime minister? Today, for our Gazette readers, I will introduce the Lackner election platform. I'm the man for Canada, kids.
The Liberals have the "Red Book" and I shall call my platform the "Lackner Good Times Plan." Here are a few of the blatant lies I plan to present to the public.
First, I propose pumping Canada's health care budget into finding the lost City of Atlantis and then letting them into confederation. When they start asking about including a distinct society clause, as I know they will, I'll pass a law making it mandatory for all Canadians to learn how to breathe underwater and speak dolphin language. I can't wait for the separatist Atlanteans to complain and then hold a referendum.
Canada's health care system will be replaced by the Lackner "alternative medicine" system which will consist of my mom, George Clooney and this guy I know who smokes a lot of pot.
Furthermore, I plan to introduce a tax policy in which all guys named Gary will be placed in a 2 per cent tax bracket. Everyone else will continue to be taxed to death.
Why, you ask? Has Chretien ever had to justify anything?
A corner-stone of my platform will involve kidnapping thousands of koala bears from Australia and making them our new national symbol. I feel the koala will enhance our international stature more then the beaver ever could.
I'll get rid of the Queen on the back of all coins and replace her with Alan Thicke. If any Canadian deserves the honour, it is the fictional father of Mike Seaver.
I will compel all politicians to drive around in motorized scooters. I will also put Bill Cosby on the $20 bill (I know he's American but he's funny, he sells Jell-o and I wish he was my dad).
I will rename various mountains after my favourite wrestlers.
The Lackner education system will run on the simple platform that no Canadian child will ever be as stupid as George Dubya Bush.
I will create new ministries such as the Ministry Which Gives Money away for free (note to self: hire Jane Stewart).
Lackner's Good Time Plan is on its way.
Copyright © The Gazette 2000