Volume 94, Issue 20

Wednesday, October 4, 2000


Editorial Board 2000-2001


Editorial Cartoon


The court finds the defendant – drunk.

A more severe crackdown in the cell block known as the University Students' Council is occurring as the punishment for Wet/Dry card offenders could be increasing from more then just a day in – The Students' Court [Dun dun, dun].

Under-agers who get caught drinking at an on campus bar will not only have their membership to The Spoke and The Wave revoked, as well as a day of judging, but violators will also have to pay a hefty fine of $103.75.

So, with the double cohort coming and the rising level for fees in the legal profession, The Gazette has put together some air-tight defences that minors at Western can use to get charges dropped and maybe even win a settlement with a defamation of character counter-suit.

1) Trick the Crown into letting you try on the gloves you were using the night the supposed crime was committed. [Little do they know your hands will be so swollen with alcohol retention, they will never fit. Heck, you could probably get away with murder.]

2) Tell the court you thought the 'X' on your hand meant that you were an X-man and that your special mutant power was the ability to drink in enormous quantities. If this fails, proceed to show your adamantium skeleton and ability to fly.

3) First, plead insanity on the basis you were actually trying to join a fraternity, then say the drinking was all part of the Rush initiation for the Greek brotherhood of Sigma Drinka Pinta.

4) Tell the court you are a member of the Mustang football team and what The Wave bouncers thought was the activity of 'drinking' was actually the process of 'choking.'

5) Go for the sympathetic acquittal and simply apologize to the jury saying that you are an embarrassment to Western for simply not 'Thinking' or 'Leading.' Proceed to break into the school song knowing full well the court also does not know the words.

6) Call the court on their severe lack of – hiccup – evidence. *Burp*

7) Plead to the court on a 'clarity of information' claiming the Western Rowing team challenged you to a Boat race and somewhere along the way you became a little confused when there was no oar or lake.

8) Bring star witness Dianne Haskett into the trial, not as mayor but as a concerned community member. Explain how Haskett told you to listen to God and God told you to get pissed. Also bring up how if the Lord can forgive underage drinking, you don't understand why the wet/dry program can't .

9) Get expert forensic witnesses to testify that the average Western students' blood alcohol level must be beyond the legal level to take University Students' Council president Dave Braun seriously.

10) If all else fails, break glass and use the most air- tight defence ever used in a courtroom or on the show Law & Order – I really don't remember, I was too drunk.

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