Volume 94, Issue 20
Wednesday, October 4, 2000
Be warned: you face the wrath of Warne
I'm too nice.
Now hold on a secondthis isn't one of those weepy "nice guys finish last" laments. I'm referring to the telemarketers who keep pestering me because I don't tell them to fuck off after five seconds or the people who hit me up for a ride, thinking gasoline and my time abound in infinite quantities.
Apparently, when I think I'm being polite and easy going, I'm actually sending a signal to the rest of the world that they may gleefully rub their hands together like oh so many mad scientists, and devise new and diabolical ways to take advantage of me.
And now for your reading pleasure, a partial list of people who will receive a swift kick in the ass the next time I deem it necessary.
Telemarketers: I appreciate the fact these people are just doing their job and not intentionally trying to annoy me. With this in mind I always listen to their spiel and politely tell them I'm not interested. However, I think I secrete pheromones that, inexplicably, are detectable over the telephone. The next thing I know I'm engaged in verbal warfare with some tele-asshole and I have to think up new and inventive ways why I don't want my carpets cleaned.
People who cut into the line outside a bar: Ever notice the amount of people who think nothing of popping into a lineusually right in front of you. What's more incredible is the lack of response this usually draws. The next time somebody snakes my spot in line, this is what I will say"Excuse me, but I have already been waiting here for an hour, I find it ludicrous that you would presume to assume my spot in line. If you don't find your way to the back of the line, I'll pee on you." That should get 'em.
"Friends": Many of my friends seem to think that I'm visited by the gasoline fairy every night and she just tops up my tank for me. Another myth is that I enjoy paying for parking. It's unbelievable that I fumble for my wallet while the passengers do their best to avoid eye contact. Newsflash "buddies"I am not a bloody taxi service.
Rogers cable: When I wanted my cable hooked up I was told the service person would come any time between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m.Of course, I have nothing better to do than wait for the precious cable. Even though I couldn't afford to wait around the whole day, I meekly replied to the Rogers' guy on the phone, "Anything you say sir, I'll be here sir, just send the nice cable man sir." I think when I get my bill I'll pay it any time between now and never.
Thank-you for allowing me to indulge myself, now if you'll excuse me, I have a middle finger to extend.
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