Volume 94, Issue 22

Friday, October, 6, 2000


Letters to the Editor

Bathroom Confucius says,"If man stand on toilet, he is high on pot"

Bathroom Confucius says,"If man stand on toilet, he is high on pot"

Chris Lackner
News Editor>

"These fragments I have shored against my ruin."

– T.S. Eliot, The Wasteland

"My dick's a monster."

– bathroom stall at a downtown bar

During past centuries, poets such as Tennyson and Browning were the icons and stars of their society. Today, that role is played by performers like Britney Spears, Kid Rock and Puff Daddy. Puffy may be good at shooting people and Kid Rock may be good at being a piece of white trash, but neither one is a William Shakespeare.

Although if Shakespeare had teamed up with a rapping midget he would have been much more interesting.

With an empty void threatening to engulf modern poetry who do we turn to? No it's not Oprah, kids. But it might be the weird guy in the urinal next to you, or that a girl who just entered the last stall. They may be the hope of our future.

Why have I come to this stunning analogy? I just opened my eyes. I have found myself increasingly filled with awe at the hidden wealth of insight and understanding which can be found upon the bathroom walls in coffee shops and bars across the great city of London.

For example, one particular philosopher king left this message in brilliant red marker at a London Country Style Donuts: Shave your monkey. After reading something so tantalizing, can your life ever be the same again? Sometimes, late at night, I lay awake and wonder what creative anguish that graffiti artist went through to find the words to express his message.

God bless him.

Once in a while you get two "poets" who have a modern scholarly debate, using the bathroom walls as their battlefield. First graffiti guy: My girlfriend lets me watch her masturbate. Second grafitti guy: Real girls don't have penises. Frankly, I hope by passing their mesages along, that our readers will all learn something here today.

I have heard from various female friends that The Spoke's women's bathroom once had it's own poetic genius who offered – and I paraphrase here – dykes and bi-girls kick ass. It was good to get confirmation on something I've always believed in my heart.

One particular artist in the men's bathroom at a downtown eating establishment wrote: The #1 rule – never wear a dress while trying to pick up. Thank you sir. My high heels and spaghetti-strap ensemble are going back in my closet indefinitely. Now I know why all my pick-up lines keep failing.

Sometimes our bathroom poet friends also like to advertise as well as inspire. For example it's always good to know to Call Tracey for good head and to Call Kelly for a good time. Our artist visionaries are even kind enough to leave phone numbers. I've been trying to build up the courage to call Kelly recently and ask her what kind of "good time" is being offered. Are we talking a movie, a game of Scrabble, a night at the circus, or a trip to Vegas? What's the deal here? Can I bring a friend?

Another intellectual heavyweight shared his philosophies on life with the following stall graffitti: I am the world and the world is me. Word to your mother.

Is it just me, or am I the only one who wants to move to another planet?

I also appreciate those guys and you know who you are, who decide to write right above the urinal in every guys' bathroom this side of Hell. If only George Michael had received the same instructions.

In closing, I'd like to thank these modern day artists for their spiritual guidance and the divine words of wisdom they bring to our lives. You may not be a Lord Byron or even a Paul Simon, but I'm sure even Shakespeare considered writing about the size of his genitals during a period of writers' block.

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