Volume 94, Issue 7
Arnold bores into wooden conspiracy
Human history is full of tragedy, hardship and heartache. But in my private study of history I've noticed a startling fact: Trees have been present during even the most devastating catastrophe.
It's so blindingly obvious! Think of it they've been there during the two World Wars, on the grassy knoll during the Kennedy assassination and I'm sure as hell convinced there was wood of some sort on the Titanic.
We usually think of trees with swaying branches and pretty leaves which look nice in your backyard. But it's all just part of a clever trick a ruse if you will to bring down humanity. I'm not crazy. It makes perfect sense that trees would want to destroy the human race.
We've essentially been at war with trees since the beginning of our existence. We ruthlessly slaughter them and use their parts for nice decorative displays in our dwellings. We slowly burn them to keep us warm. We've also extracted their sap, their lifeblood for our own consumption.
I'm sure a tree would wear a human-skin jacket and drink a Type-O hemoglobachino if it could, but that's not their style. They delight in watching us destroy each other more.
My theory is they use psychic powers and telekinesis to bring us down and bedevil us. Splinters are a normal annoyance for us and the trees like to see us whine about them. If you're ever burning wood in a fire, have you ever noticed that if the wood snaps, a spark always jumps out at you? Once again, the trees are at work.
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I must be some sort of idiot who's on some sort of illicit drug.
Well, I may always have a straw up my nose, but I assure you my head is clear on this issue.
Many times in my tree climbing days as a child, I've had firm grips on tree branches only to be inexplicably thrown off. Although I did fall on my head many times, my suspicion of the wooden aggressors grew.
There are not many supporters of my theory, the dean of Natural Science even had me arrested.
Nevertheless, the truth must be spread: Trees are evil, splintery, Dutch-Elm disease and bug infested bastards.
Stopping their destruction may save us all, but I don't think any of us want to put in all that effort.
So I say destroy the trees. Before they destroy us! Join me in my endeavour to save humanity from the bloodshed of the trees!
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