Volume 94, Issue 9

Thursday, September 14, 2000


Some candy ain't no Gummy de Milo

Butler needs a lesson in democracy

Some candy ain't no Gummy de Milo

What's the deal with candy?

I'm being serious here. What is going on with the amount of budget 'treats' that are available to today's youth and how have some of the weak age-old snacks stood the test of time?

Not following where this judgment is going? Please continue.

First and foremost, there is the absolute worst chocolate bar ever created – Big Turk. Big Turk, obviously referring to an oversized Turkish individual, begins with all of the sugary goodness of licorice and finishes with a thin chocolate coating.

Chocolate and peanut butter – genius. Chocolate and caramel – brilliance. Chocolate and chewy red licorice – are you kidding me? My only question is who buys this 'chocolate' bar? With all of the selection out there, why?

Next on the list has to be Eatmore. This concoction is more of a jaw strengthener and tooth sharpener then a candy bar. The good long chew combines the industrial strength toffee used in Desert Storm with sharp peanut shrapnel.

Staying within the realm of the chocolate bar, there are the grandfathers of the industry. The Aero Bar, Dairy Milk, Jersey Milk and Hershey Bar have been around since the beginning of chocolate and have yet to spice it up.

You can just see them sitting around in their rocking chairs complaining about when they were kids, things were simpler – bars were bars. No one appreciated nougat or wafers or nuts, they just angry up the blood.

Moving away from the actual 'bar' we've have some horrors in the small pieces and candy section of the world of sugar. In the pieces section we begin with Licorice All Sorts.

OK, it's enough that people do not enjoy black licorice, but to try and form it in weird shapes, add other 'flavours' of licorice to it and sprinkle on bits of sugary stuff is absolutely uncalled for. Hey Goodies – I see you over there trying to hide your black licorice centre with candy coating – you're gone too.

Thrills – the purple pieces of gum that taste like soap. When has the taste of soap ever been something I've wanted to chew on for extended periods of time. The only real purpose I can see is as a substitute punishment after swearing around your parents as a kid, that's it.

Next we have Wax Lips. Obviously purchased to be the life of the party, after the 10 or 15 minutes of pretending that they are in fact your real lips and not a sugary gag, do you eat this thing or burn it for heat.

Then there's Bridge Mixture which I imagine many of you have not had, seeing as how you must show proof that you are in fact over the age of 65 to enjoy it. This snack is so "shady acres" that the slogan on the box reads "A delicious assortment of coated confectionery." Need I say anymore?

Finally we have the post-depression snack of Pink Candy Popcorn, many prohibitioners used to tide over their sweet, sweet alcohol cravings. For those of you who don't remember, it's the snack with the neon pink kernels and the lovable elephant on the box.

In conclusion we have learned that the treat and candy industry is bringing itself down from the inside and it's going to be up to the Wunderbars, Mr. Bigs and Snickers bars of the industry to pick up the slack and continue rotting teeth everywhere.

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Copyright The Gazette 2000