Volume 93, Issue 101

Friday, April 7, 2000


Body discovered near J.W. Little

Info London finds new home

Graffiti mars campus

Council takes a stand on O-week

Striking profs reach tentative agreement at Moncton

The coolest way to kill insects

A lesson and a tale told

The heart rules the head

Things I know I should have said more often

A new beginning

A special "Caught on Campus"

Bass Ackwards

The coolest way to kill insects

By Andy J. Gidwani

It seems like every year, things go in and out of style.

Take food, for instance. Decades ago, food was something everybody was into. Fast food burgers resting under lamps that couldn't produce enough heat to melt ice were rolling off the counters into people's mouths. Food was appreciated by everyone from the lowly street vagabond to the great Marlon Brando (I don't mean "great" as in "super," but as in "significantly larger than a Winnebago").

Nowadays, food seems to have lost its appeal. Many women try to shrink their waists into something that would fit into a napkin ring, while fast food places have lost business to store-bought, shrink-wrapped foods that most people throw in their bags and leave there. This raises a very serious concern – what is to be done with all the heat lamps? The answer is actually a very simple one – tanning salons.

Now before you jump down my throat, I'm not saying that tanning is akin to being a burger under a heat lamp. There are many differences. For example, tanning salons don't supply you with condiments. So, I hope I've cleared up that problem.

Tanning salons attempt to bronze your skin the same way the sun naturally carries out the process. The precise definition of tanning is "A process by which, after exposure to ultraviolet rays, the skin gives off enough heat to vaporize insects landing on one's body. Oh, it also turns brown (both skin and insects)."

Each person takes different amounts of time to reach this stage and the appeal of tanning salons is that the process is done much more efficiently. Tanning booths can burn (sorry, I mean TAN) your skin much faster than the sun, so that after a half-hour in a booth, you can vaporize any insect that's giving you problems. Pretty slick, eh?

Tanning has become so popular that there's a tanning parlour in the University Community Centre. For your convenience, I think they may also supply insects to help you gauge your progress. If you're diligent, you can tan in underground comfort and you may never need to go outside again – unless of course you need air or something.

As a budding medical professional, I've been asked on more than one occasion to state my opinion on tanning, so here it is – tanning can do wonders for your body, causing your skin to do many things it was never meant to do. It's kind of like landing on the moon – people thought we could never do it, but we managed to do it.

In fact, I bet Neil Armstrong is relaxing in a tanning booth right now – and that's not just because he owns stock in fast food heat lamps.

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Copyright The Gazette 2000