Volume 94, Issue 83

Wednesday, February 28, 2001


Editorial Board 2000-2001

Evil-doers beware!

Editorial Cartoon

Evil-doers beware!

So alcohol and illegal narcotics lead to problems with the law – you don't say?

A recent report has said that over half of Canadians arrested and detained in this country, 53 per cent, were under the influence of either of the above substances at the time of their arrest. This has drawn some obvious conclusions about the relationship between booze, drugs and robbing your local convenience store.

But rather than fly of the prohibitional handle or increase the amount of narcotic 'smell' hounds nationally, The Gazette has devised some sure-fire ways to crack down on crime.

1. Since 90 per cent of the people seen/arrested on the television show Cops are without shirts – simply make people where shirts and watch the crime rate come crumbling down.

2. Over three quarters of bank robbers have been witnessed to be fleeing the scene of the crime carrying several tan coloured sacks marked with '$' – shut down the manufacturers of these insidious sacks and then we'll see what they use to carry their precious gold bars.

3. Slowly, but surely, take away the negative connotations associated with Balaclavas by making icons such as Santa, Tooth Fairies, the Crocodile Hunter and the Queen Mum wear them so that they are cleansed of all of the evil tied into their full facial cover.

4. Dr. No, Dr. Evil, Dr. Claw, Dr. Octopus, Dr. Lecter – are we seeing a pattern here? Discontinue all PhD programs in Canadian universities that allow students to specialize in criminal masterminding and we'll all be a lot safer.

5. Go on a nation-wide correction sweep that would see all phony mustaches magic markered on 'Wanted' posters erased so that all of the clean shaven facial identities of the worst criminals will be once and for all unmasked to the masses.

6. Make public the truth behind the 'Tossed Salad' within prison complexes across this country dispelling the myth that it is in fact a leafy treat used as a good source of ruffage.

7. In the penal system, revert 'the yard' back to a cutthroat area where inmates where black and white stripped jumpers, are attached to ball in chains all while breaking bigger rocks into smaller ones with large hammers

8. Do not allow songs like Michael Jackson's 'Smooth Criminal' or Elvis Presley's 'Jailhouse Rock' to climb the pop music charts, as they glorify the debonair-style most bank robbers strive for. Conversely, push songs like 'Karma Police' and reunite super group 'The Police' to push the law to new heights.

9. Eliminate all professional sports or have athletes sequestered to a remote islands in the off season.

10. Give grants to studios producing movies about disorganized crime, background checks on those individuals purchasing Lincoln Town Cars and Cadillac Sevilles and keep tabs on people checking out library books entitled How to get drunk and stoned and then commit a crime.

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