Volume 94, Issue 83
Wednesday, February 28, 2001
A student's guide to screwing up and loving it
Do you feel like your school year has slipped through your fingers? If so, you're probably failing a few classes, if not all of them, because you were either too lazy or drunk to attend. And chances are, your marks resemble the collective IQ of Limp Bizkit.
If you're academically screwed at this point, you might as well have fun. Besides, what's the worst thing they can do kick you out? You stick it to that crusty, old dean with the following sure-fire strategies to make your last university days a roller coaster ride of frolic and gaiety.
Use the word "bastard" as much as possible in essays. Insist it's your trademark writing style. Use "bastard" in as many ways as you can think of, even if it doesn't make sense. Try it not only as a noun, but as a pro-noun, adjective or adverb.
In tutorials make persistent references to The Love Boat. Quote Captain Stubing as often as possible, especially if it's a math lab. If the TA asks you to stop, say "that's not really in the spirit of the love boat, now is it?" Then feign a seizure.
Seek constant help from the professor on your William Shatner impersonation. Insist that the professor give you encouragement, since it's your tuition that pays his/her salary. Act insulted when any reference is made to class-related subjects.
Bring a bust of Elvis Presley to class. Refer to the late king as "the almighty one." Insist that all science stems from Elvis, and use off the wall evidence to support your claims, such as a burlap sack or a gold fish bowl full of old coffee grinds. They'll eventually see the light.
Try to make security personnel in residence laugh as if they were members of the Royal Foot Guard on Parliament Hill. Make stupid faces and noises until they say something. If they laugh, point and cackle scornfully then bellow, "Yes! chalk one up for the [insert name here]ster!"
Sing aloud when the professor enters the classroom. "I want to make sweet love to you," or "Darth Vader's Imperial March" are my personal favourites.
Cite ridiculous sources in essays. These can include episodes of Growing Pains, licence plates, Mickey Rooney movies and porn. Make sure you sprinkle them throughout an essay that has preferably nothing to do with any of those sources. Combine with superfluous use of the word "bastard" for most hilarious results.
Get yourself an intern. Find an up-and-coming first-year student who you think has moxy and is heading down the same dark path as you. Have your intern fetch you coffee and make him or her wear t-shirts with washout slogans like "If you're not wasted, the day is," or "No fat chicks." Apologize 10 years later for turning him into a psychopath.
Use your imagination and remember, if you're going down, you may as well take everyone's sanity along with you.
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