Volume 94, Issue 60
Wednesday, January 10, 2001
Election call induces narcolepsy in eds - One of many zany prediction made by Aaron Wherry
The annual rite of passage for junior politicos is almost upon us, in the two-week snooze fest of empty promises and shallow rhetoric otherwise known as the University Students' Council presidential election.
I'm not one for predictions, but being a powerful member of the media, with countless high-level contacts, I have been lucky enough to attain famed Canadian psychic JoJo Savard's prognostications for this year's campaign and thought I might enlighten you, dear reader.
Most of you don't want to be bothered to pay attention anyway, so consider this the Coles Notes for USC Election 2001. No studying or class time required.
The next few weeks leading up to the Feb. 13-14 vote will go something like this:
Four or five candidates, to protect their anonymity, let's call them Tim Shortill, Mike Lawless, Luke Petrykowski, Josh Morgan and some other guy, will enter the race. The mandatory wildcard/outsider candidate and the token female will, of course, also make a brief appearance.
Some will enter with a sense of destiny. Some will enter to change the system. Some will do it because they care. None of them will have the foggiest idea what they're talking about.
These prospective presidents will first assemble their own teams of personal fart catchers and send them to Kinko's to print up hundreds of bright orange and yellow posters with inane slogans.
Then they'll sit down with their loyal cronies and decide what students want to hear. Having decided on a few topics about which most students haven't the faintest clue, they will set about shaking hands and campaigning.
Before things really get swinging, at least one candidate will confront reality and drop out.
Campaigning will consist of four or five forums where each candidate will have a chance to give his own spin on the same issues. Use of big words like accessibility, responsibility, approachability, ingenuity and reliability will prove each candidate is mildly literate.
As the big vote approaches, a front runner will emerge. Those trailing will then seek to regain lost ground by completely imitating the supposed leader.
Monkey see, monkey do.
Voter malaise will reach unheard-of levels. Journalists forced to follow said election will strive endlessly to make the proceedings interesting, before resigning themselves to failure in a sea of alcohol and narcotics.
In the final days, candidates will become desperate. Those with little to no chance will begin plotting their vice-presidential campaigns.
And finally, sometime after 8 p.m. on St. Valentine's Day, a winner will be announced. That lucky soul, whose charisma and leadership will take the USC to unseen heights, well not even JoJo could figure that one out.
Let the fun begin. Wake me up when it's over.
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