Volume 94, Issue 62
Friday, January 12, 2000
Kneel before the wisdom of the 8-ball
Now that everyone has had a couple of weeks to recover from their New Year's Eve hangovers (or lack of hangovers owing to no friends to drink with), it's time to turn our minds to the sober subject of 'What Will Make the News in 2001'.
Now, journalists don't have a crystal ball, tarot cards, or astrological intution, but we each have a Magic 8-Ball. And thanks to the infallibility (when shaken correctly), what follows should prove a very useful guide to the news of 2001.
All signs point to yes: This was the Magic 8-Ball's response to the burning question of whether the first diplomatic meeting between George W. Bush and Jean Chretien will be the most ungrammatical encounter in the history of politics. Hopefully, Dubya and Crouton won't strain their kindergarten command of language too long, before they realize they communicate best through a combination of expressive grunting, stick figure drawings and interpretive dance.
All signs point to no: The 8-Ball gave this adamant reply when asked whether anyone besides University Students' Council members and a few Gazette hacks will get exercised about the upcoming USC election. Seems the pool-hall fortune teller disagrees with the traditional belief that students toss and turn nightly for the two weeks of the election, agonizing over which candidate will deliver the most accountability, committsification and other such words.
Hazy, Try again later: this response from our little billiard pundit was somewhat surprising, since the question was relatively simple: "Do pigs go 'oink' or 'moo'." This example probably undermines the 8-Ball's credibility as a fortune telling instrument, and invalidates the methodology behind this column. Then again, who can stay mad at 8-Ball?
Outlook not so good: Sorry, post-secondary education, but the 8-man agrees with the arguments of a recent study, that you're just not getting enough government funding. And with education in mind, let it be said that only the Mike Harris government could take a contemptible plan to ruin a good system, by introducing private universities, and call it the "choice and excellence" program. Hopefully, 2001 will be a year of unprecedented student pressure on government to make post-secondary education a priority.
Uncertain at this time: On a final note, 8-Ball refused comment on the important question of whether CentreSpot will generate more revenue through its sale of salads and beverages than will BMW through its sale of luxurious German automobiles. Looks like some things are just too close to call, even when you're an 8-Ball.
Copyright © The Gazette 2000