Volume 94, Issue 62

Friday, January 12, 2000


Letters to the Editor

Fear and loathing in Whitby? A voyage home...

The World Wrestling Federation - epic drama or just trash TV?

A look at vending machines: The UCC curse

A look at vending machines:
The UCC curse

By Colin Butler
Opinions Editor

What is the greatest threat mankind has ever faced? No, it's not the smell coming from the men's locker room, the threat of nuclear annihilation, late charges at video rental stores, or even Bill Maher's standup comedy. This is a force of pure malevolence; a terminal cancer on society. It indiscriminately robs men, women and children alike of their hard earned money and worse still, their dignity.

I'm talking about vending machines.

The item you wanted, be it B4 or A6, can sometimes hang there in vending machine limbo. This is when you understand that your money is well and truly gone. There are no words to describe the doomed sense of loss that tugs at your heart and empty stomach, as that chocolate bar idly leans against the thin layer of glass.

Now, as the final insult, the vending machine outside The Gazette advertising office has, without prior warning or due consideration for the people it affects, raised its prices on chocolate bars from $1.00 to $1.15.

Now, the machine is inconvenient. You need an extra fifteen cents to get a previously $1 delight. When you deposit a toonie, you are returned 85 cents and maybe – if you're lucky – whatever it was you wanted to buy. It's enough to make a guy become the Unibomber.

I wouldn't be surprised if these Hell-spawned contraptions were originally designed by the Nazis, the makers of the Second World War as a last ditch effort to demoralize the people of the British Isles and thus, win the war. It was probably a secret weapon – the dreaded V3. Which instead of exploding dropped a vending machine on unsuspecting civilians.

Do as I do: Don't buy from these automatons. It does a job that could be filled by a living, breathing, human being. Besides which, those machines are expensive and they'll rip you off. Go to the Pit Stop or Centre Spot where at least cheerful human being will take your money with love.

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