Volume 94, Issue 64

Wednesday, January 17, 2001


How Gore's a bore and Dubya's trubya

How Gore's a bore and Dubya's trubya

By Chris Lackner
News Editor

On Jan. 20, 2001, George Dubya Bush will be sworn in as the new president of the United States. Later that night, he might snort a pound of cocaine and then lick chocolate syrup off Dick Cheney's belly. On Jan. 21, 2001, Al Gore will return to his home planet, Neptune, having failed in his task of impersonating an actual human being. On Jan. 22, 2001, people will wish they could have put Bubba in for a third term.

Looking back on the events which preceded and followed the American presidential election on Nov. 27, I have a few semi-intelligent comments to make.

For starters, were Gore and Bush the best two candidates a nation of 300 million people could come up with? Are you kidding me? There's Candidate #1: A red-neck alcoholic Texan, with a grade two reading comprehension level, running for president due to his father's "Clinton revenge fantasy" and Cheney's promise of free beer and nachos. And Candidate #2: A genetically engineered Gorobot who was conceived in a test tube in some shady Tennessee laboratory, and is better suited to fighting the Autobots and the Decepticons than fighting for the highest office of the land.

My second comment is one which many others share: Bush did not win this election – Gore lost it.

Gore has been the vice president during one of the most prosperous periods in American history. Polling showed the Democratic platform was much more in tune with the mindset of the American voter (not a huge surprise when considering the fact that the Republican policies were all developed by a bunch of right-wing nut jobs).

He was running against Dubya, an intellectually starved frat boy with minimal political experience, who was awarded the Republican candidacy based on his high profile family name and the political connections which come with it. Let's not forget Gore's biggest positive: He has three hot daughters.

Yet, Gore managed to lose his home state of Tennessee, which would have handed him the election despite the Florida fiasco. He failed to connect to American voters in any capacity. Instead, he came across as an emotionless, egotistic policy nut – the kind of teacher's pet that kids always beat up during recess. If he had displayed a shred of Clinton's charisma and warmth, he would have become America's next president. Sorry Al, there will be no second chance.

Still, after all the lawyers, accusations, court rulings and recounts, the American public still has reason to doubt the 537 vote victory Bush claimed in the state of Florida. How could this lingering doubt have been avoided if logic had prevailed? In the week following the election stalemate, the Florida Supreme Court should have conversed with both the Bush and Gore teams and developed a comprehensive, state-wide guideline on recounting every single vote.

The election results were well within the margin of error and their outcome would elect the most powerful leader on the planet. From day one, the Gore team proposed recounting only selective Democratic counties. All of them had differing laws as to what constitutes a valid vote. The Republicans fought the concept of any recount from start to melodramatic finish, claiming the American public had already chosen their man.

Screw them both. People deserved better.

The legal battles which raged from county court circuits to the US Supreme court, only wasted valuable time and rubbed salt into the wounds of a nation. No side could have disputed the results of recounting every Florida vote according to a clear and concise guideline.

Instead, the upcoming presidential inauguration finds a nation divided and a president with a splintered mandate with which to try and govern. Let's hope Al doesn't try again in 2004.

Al – go and make out with Tipper on a tropical island somewhere. Nobody wants to see that again. Dubya – try not to inadvertently kill too many people. Bill – you're no saint, but America will soon be sad to say goodbye.

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