Volume 94, Issue 66
Friday, January 19, 2001
When in doubt, leave the monks alone
No matter how many beers you've have, it's never cool when a Thai prostitute grabs your crotch.
While I didn't particularly enjoy that experience, there are a lot of better ones to be had while travelling. So when you're looking to travel and Acapulco isn't exciting enough, head to Thailand.
But don't let anyone catch you with drugs, because some mean looking guys with guns will hunt you down and kill you.
Admittedly, I'm a bit of a strange case I get bored far too easily and have been known to wake up in a gutter in the middle of nowhere. But of all the places I've regained consciousness in, Thailand was the place that had the most to offer everyone.
You can live for a few bucks a day, there are endless amounts of people looking to have lots of fun, and you're only ever a couple of days away from some of the most interesting places in Asia.
I've also been robbed, covered in leaches and held at gun point. I'm one of the last people who should give advice to would-be travellers, but here I go anyway.
First of all, look out for Americans. In moderation, they can be almost bearable and sometimes pleasant. Other times, they can get you into more trouble than a drunken Irishman (which was me, most of the time).
Another important piece of advice, especially for you ladies, is not to touch the monks. I spent a few days travelling with a girl who just happened to be American and who couldn't seem to fathom this simple concept.
She insisted I take a picture of her beside an unsuspecting holy man and before I could say 'boo' she bounced over like a Playboy bunny and wrapped her arms around his waist. I don't know where the blood went at his age, but it drained out of his face pretty quickly.
If you haven't been exposed to this culture before it's hard to understand just how inappropriate that action was, but allow me to explain. Imagine sitting in The Spoke and a Queen's student wanders up on stage, bends Rick McGhie over a speaker and has his way with him.
Finally, in Thailand, if it looks like a woman and smells like a woman, there's a decent chance its a man. I heard a horror story about an 18-year-old guy who picked up a Thai girl, let her buy him a drink and woke up with no money and a sore ass.
Maybe he couldn't hold his liquor, lost his wallet and sat on a bicycle with no seat but consider yourselves warned.
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