Volume 94, Issue 69

Thursday, January 25, 2001


Editorial Board 2000-2001

USC candidates that should be

Editorial Cartoon

USC candidates that should be

Nominations for the University Students' Council presidential race close tonight. We at The Gazette have decided to offer a few of our own humble suggestions for the top job. Some of them may not be political material enough to attend fancy parties and hang out with guys who wear monacles and top hats, but hey, spread the love a little bit, eh?

Polkaroo: Though biologists far and wide debate as to whether he can be classified as a marsupial, one thing they do agree on is that he would make one damn fine president. The only suspicious thing about the guy is that he and Greg are never in the same room at the same time. Hmm...somethin' smells fishy here.

Regis Philbin: Along with his long-time collaborator the Devil, good ol' Reege could slowly steal our souls through an entirely new medium.

The Rubix Cube: considered by some to be a "square," its enigmatic nature has a certain charm. Everyone loves his '80s retro-style program of Reaganomics and his "Star Wars" defence policy to keep those damn Reds off our campus. That cube is just so clever. Afterall, it has outwitted many of us for years.

Warren Tilston: After being fired from the position of communications officer, the man still hasn't left the building. He should run, since he's always hanging out in the UCC anyway, he might as well get paid for it.

Elian Gonzalez: If this clever Cuban lad were to wash up on the banks of the Thames, even though he can't get into bars and knows hardly a word of English, he would make an excellent, high-profile president. Though many experts believe that his presidency would fall victim to a vicious custody battle for the boy, between Western and the Cuban government.

Ivan Kasiurak: With this guy in office, no one would ever be able to say that USC politics weren't interesting. Plus, it would keep him from running for mayor.

"Bluto" Blutarzky: The loveable fat guy from Animal House. Who would be better than him when it comes to hanging underwear in the trees, dumping truck loads of Fizzies into the pool and foiling the evil plans of that crusty Dean Wormer, even though we're all on double secret probation.

Al Gore: He should take up the age-old adage of TV producers for the FOX network: "If at first you don't succeed – stoop to the lowest common denominator."

Alex Rodriguez: He could run the entire USC budget out of his own pocket. It would take a million Operation: Massive's to empty this guy's deep pockets.

Eminem: With a huge ego and a pretentious personality, this rapper would make a perfect politician. Plus, he would be a welcome addition to the BOG with his dope rhymes.

To Contact The Editorial Department:

Copyright The Gazette 2000