Volume 94, Issue 70
Friday, January 26, 2001
|ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT
Bubba will survive
Screw the eternally overrated Superbowl. This Sunday, our lives will once again gain meaning when Survivor 2 makes its debut from the exotic landscape of the Australian outback. Poisonous snakes; Koala Bears; T & A; Alliances; mind-numbing immunity challenges and the even more mind-numbing host Jeff Probst.
Students and staff at this institution of higher learning will finally have an interesting question to debate on a weekly basis: Who will be voted off next? And so, what follows is my very own "fantasy" Survivor.
Tribe number 1: Prime Minister Jean Chretien (who is very Rudy-esque), Britney Spears, Yoda, former president Bill Clinton, Mike Tyson, the fat kid from Goonies and Eminem.
Tribe number 2: George W. Bush, Puff the Magic Dragon, evil Spock (alternate universe episode, original series), Al Gore, Stockwell Day, Magnum P.I. and Bill Cosby.
Tribe number 1 (before the merger): In a fit of anger, Tyson eats the fat kid from Goonies and is subsequently voted off the island. Yoda destroys Eminem with his profound mental powers after being told his mom is "a green-skinned slut." Chretien convices his golfing buddy Bill to vote off Yoda due to suspicions that he may be a Quebec separatist. Bubba then proceeds to make out with Britney.
Tribe number 2 (before the merger): Bush wins a chicken and grits immunity challenge and forms a conservative alliance with evil Spock and Stockwell. The three proceed to vote off Gore because of his attempts to land a "Tipper style" make-out session with Spock, followed by Magnum P.I., because the three become homophobic with the sight of his unbuttoned Hawaiian shirts.
Puff the Magic Dragon realizes he's a figment of someone's imagination and ceases to exist. Stockwell and Bush realize "compassionate conservatism" is also a fictional creation and follow the dragon's lead.
After the merger: Cosby becomes expendable when his pudding pop stash depletes. Spock and Chretien vanquish each other in a battle of choke holds. Bill continues to make-out with Britney until the final tribal council, revelling in the fact that he doesn't have to deny his sexual relations to a nation.
Bubba wins the prize in the final vote. If he has anything to show for his eight years as King of Planet America, it's that he truly is the ultimate survivor.
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