Volume 94, Issue 70

Friday, January 26, 2001


Letter the Editor

Be like the smart kids!

Be like the smart kids!
Here are some ways to look and act like a genius:

By Colin Butler
Opinions Editor

As the time bomb that is your heart tick-tocks closer and closer to your demise, you're wasting the cusp of your life studying. Especially if your major is a dead-end in the digital economy and your good looks are hardly of boy band calibre.

It is a common misconception you need to be smart to be a genius. No practical application of intelligence is required. In fact, all that is required to be a genius is extremely erratic and eccentric behaviour.

Now you can appear to be a genius:

Wear glasses. Everyone looks smarter with glasses. Who cares if they aren't your prescription? The loss of depth perception will only add to your eccentricity.

Make an "enemies list." Add to it constantly. You'll need to remember who stood in your path on your way to the top. Eliminate them when the world finally realizes your innumerable talents.

Become intensely frustrated by people's reaction to your work, whether good or bad. Those fools can't possibly begin to understand your creations. Make them understand that by tearing up or destroying any and all of your projects they criticize or comment on. Maintain that the dullards who talked about your work shouldn't even begin to try to understand you. Scream a lot. It's the only way they'll learn.

Write a manifesto. Every genius has a manifesto. It explains your intentions. Therefore, be vague. Use big words and obscure references. Cite bona fide geniuses constantly. Threaten to kill anyone who disagrees with it.

Don't listen to anyone. Remember: they're not geniuses, YOU are. What could their simian brains possibly offer you?

Truck around reams of papers everywhere you go. Call the endless disorder your "works in progress." Make outlandish claims like if your essay on world peace wins the Nobel prize, it will be an insult.

If you follow these simple rules, people will most likely think you're either crazy – or an intensly deep artsy type. So just kick up your feet and watch the "A+'s" roll in. You probably won't make any friends by acting like this, but you won't have to study. Besides, you don't need those "friends" anyway. You're a genius – well, at least everyone thinks you are.

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