Volume 95, Issue 3

Thursday, June 7, 2001


Early classes for hangover recovery

A girl + a boy + Alligator Al = love?

A girl + a boy + Alligator Al = love?

The birds and the bees. The flowers and the trees. Sunsets. Starlight. The back seat of an '89 Chevy. The fat guy on the corner who waters his lawn topless. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's summertime – the season of love.

The feeling is inevitable. It can be found in the twinkle of an eye, or in that moment when you feel like butterflies are throwing a rave party inside your stomach. It can be seen in the bat of an eyelash, or be found in the depths of a nervous smile.

My point – summer love does not discriminate; it has found us all at one time or another, often when least expected.

For the benefit of The Gazette readership and based upon my observations and own limited experience, I present the "do nots" of summer love.

Try not to fall in love with...

Your co-worker. Alligator Al from Mr. Dress-Up [now that was a weird summer]. Your friend's sister. Or brother. Boris Yeltsin. A fictional character from television [unless it's Wonder Woman]. Anyone who lives a zillion miles away. Richard Gere. Anything four-legged. Anyone who frequents a bingo hall.

The first category was filled with romantic pursuits of significant danger, but here come the tough ones. Never fall in love with...

Anyone with a southern accent. Anyone who has ever been part of a traveling circus [unless it's the trapeze boy]. Anyone who has a boyfriend or girlfriend. Inanimate objects [unless the object in question is a good quality garden gnome]. Anyone French. Card carrying members of the Canadian Alliance party. Your buddy's mom or dad. Don Cherry [too rock 'em sock in the boudoir].

And now – the real sharks. Never, ever fall in love with:

A roommate. Paul Davenport [sure he's rich and powerful – but he's a busy man. Does he have the time to fulfill your needs?]. An Ivey student. The ice-cream bicycle guy [unless your getting free ice cream]. A member of the University Students' Council. A monkey [note: similar to previous category]. Alan Thicke. A leprechaun. Anyone Irish. A professional Italian lawn bowler. A blow-up doll. The leader of a totalitarian regime.

If you avoid those listed above – you'll find the summer love you're searching for, but I have been told breaking the rules can work upon occasion.

So, in other words, Dr. D here I come a-courtin'.

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