Volume 94, Issue 93
Friday, March 16, 2001
Crush the octogenarian uprising!
Our country is in danger. Sure, the Communist threat is gone. Wild, untamed beaver attacks are on the decline. What, you ask, could be left?
Allow me to enlighten you. A Statistics Canada report has brought forth some disturbing news news which I'm sure will strike fear into the hearts of all of us. Apparently, we as young people are slowly becoming a minority. Old people are fighting back.
By the year 2016, there will be far more people over the age of 65 than under 14. By 2026, a full fifth of the population of Canada will be eligible for retirement. All of the advances made by science to extend life expectancy have come down to this this is the way the world ends, not with a bang, but with an arthritic groan.
"Medical spending!" you say. "Pension plans!" cries the silver majority. If only it were that simple.
You may look at these people grandmothers or grandfathers though they might be and see nothing but a cute old wrinkly face. But see how cute they become when those faces form a wrathful army marching on Parliament Hill.
I see this entire situation as nothing but a brilliantly plotted, perfectly executed scheme for people deemed useless by today's e-savvy society to rise up against their oppressors. They are using us, my friends; they will use us for our pension contributions until the time is right for them to strike. And so we must strike first.
Of course I have no proof of any of this. They're far too intelligent for that, after all they've been around since time began (give or take). Gradually, though, the evidence will become undeniable.
It's already begun with the hoarding of Viagra. Soon we will see shortages of pre-digested foods that can be gummed into submission. In time, expect disappearances of small children from around the area of nursing homes after all, it is the young that will form the most dangerous opposition in the future.
While we sit back and ponder the findings of Statistics Canada, widespread abuse of a little blue pill will reinvigorate elderly cellulite-encased loins; Stockwell Day, by this time approaching his 70s, will lead the mob and show no mercy.
What do we do? We must be swift and harsh. Out of firewood? Use Grandma. Kids need some new threads? Great Aunt Nessie will make a fine coat and a matching wallet. All foods must contain a solid percentage of salt to solidify old arteries. And most importantly, we must keep up the ratio of young to old; copulate! In reproduction we will find the solution to our woes!
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