Volume 94, Issue 95

Wednesday, March 21, 2001


Letters to the Editor

An interesting career without a degree

An interesting career without a degree

By Colin Butler
Opinions Editor

If you're anything like me, the university experience, aside from the binge drinking and meeting new people thing, has left you an embittered shell of a human being. Perhaps it is time for you to consider some alternatives to university.

There are many careers that require little, or no education at all. The best part is these careers aren't the ones you send away for in the mail, no sir. Why should you let that damn Sally Struthers tell you what to do anyway, especially when you kids have me looking out for you?

Here are some careers that you can embark on, with little or no money, in the safety and comfort of your own neighbourhood:

To become an oil sheik, all you need is one of those fancy turbans with a jewel in the middle and you're half-way there. Next, you need a source of oil. I'm no geologist, but from many years of watching cartoons, I have deduced that anywhere with sand will do. Become enraged at any children who attempt to thwart your oil-drilling operations.

To be a professor, all you need is a pair of spectacles on the end of your nose – this will give you the appearance of intellectual might. For extra intimidation, get yourself a pair of black pants with chalk stains all over your crotch, of which you are completely unaware. This will keep questions and contact to a bare minimum and ensure your long-term survival as a stodgy academician.

Become a creepy, older-looking kid who sells lemonade in front of his parents' house. Think about it – we all know kids are hitting puberty faster each and every day, so with a little luck, you may be able to get away with it. If anyone questions your age, simply hide underneath your ramshackle booth made of particleboard and place a "Do not disturb" doorknob sign on a loose nail. They'll rue the day they ever questioned you.

If you want to be a dirty old prospector, become ultra-paranoid. Remember; everyone is trying to steal your gold. Use outdated terms like "by gum," "nigh by forenoon" and "what/where in Sam Hill is _______?" Carry a pickax everywhere, along with a flask of whiskey. Insist on settling every problem, no matter how trivial, with pistols at dawn.

There is interesting work available as an English stereotype. While it doesn't pay, you'll be a hit at parties. Always wear a tweed suit with a boxer style hat and carry an umbrella, always. Be sure to call everyone you meet, "guv'nor." Remember to drink lots of tea so as to facilitate a spit take whenever startled.

Becoming a pirate is remarkably easy. Although many will claim you need a boat, all you really need is a pickup truck. You can be the first "landlubbing" pirate. Remember to use sea talk often. Begin and end sentences with "aargh!" Call everyone "me mateys" and be sure to lose at least one limb and preferably an eye. Use appropriate prosthetics to cover your disfigurement, aargh!

If all else fails, you can always be the crazy man on the bus. The pay may be lousy, you won't pick up any girls and no one will give you the time the day, but it could be worse – you could be an Editor at The Gazette. Just remember, you're crazy, so remember to add random words like, 'scrotum' to the end of your wordscrotums.

So remember kids, despite what Professor Ladeedah tells you, you don't need a degree to get an interesting job. You won't be successful, but it sure beats living with mom and dad. Well, maybe not.

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Copyright The Gazette 2000