Volume 94, Issue 99
Tuesday, March 27, 2001
Hi, and welcome to Biker U
University life is so serene. It's such a white-collared world here on campus, full of office executives, scientists in white lab coats, secretaries and students who are constantly carrying at least 40 lbs of books.
Basically, this is a world populated by nerds.
My problem is, I don't think ahead. Before I came to this school, I should have thought of how I could've made the most of my university experience. With a little bit of pre-planning, I could have become top dog here on campus and all I needed was a chopper, a leather jacket and a little Steppenwolf in the background.
I should've started a biker gang.
It's important for a biker to be well-dressed. I recommend wearing one of those pointy, circa 1914 German army helmets. Complement this with a spiked leather jacket with your gang logo and of course, at least four tattoos: One with a skull, one with a naked woman, one somehow incorporating your mother's name and one that you can't explain when or why you got it. And lastly just because stuff your crotch extravagantly. Trust me, people will be intimidated.
You also have your trusty motorcycle. A motorcycle should reflect the personality of the biker, so it's important to decorate it accordingly. A biker is a tough guy, so fuzzy dice hanging from the handlebars won't do. Instead, try road-kill. It's good to intimidate your bike should inspire fear in the 5-0 and should cause people's ears to bleed as you drive by. Always remember when buying a motorcycle, the louder, the better.
A gang needs cash, it's important to lean on people for protection. Demand payment in cash or in beer. You are still a university student, after all. Torture anyone who doesn't cooperate. Smash beakers in the science buildings, scratch black boards at Social Science, and with business students, show them a crucifix then rub garlic all over them.
As the criminal element on campus, you may get harassed by the cops. They're always trying to enforce their rules on your rebel without a cause good times, so remember to give them a hard time. Make constant references to pigs and pork products in their presence, it's your duty. If they pull you over for speeding, try to pay him off. Pull out a poster of Wilford Brimley, wink at officer and slyly try to slip it into his hands. If the officer gives you any kind of ticket, eat it. Keep doing this until he gives up, or he resorts to beating you with his nightstick.
I may have not been thinking before I came to school, I may have never thought of all the things listed above, but at least I got my message out there. Now, for all the would-be Captain America's a la Easy Rider out there, my wisdom is immortalized for posterity. I hope a young no-goodnik will one day live my dream of being the only bully in a bully's paradise.
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